


Breaking at the bridges

by scorpius_cinnamon_roll



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, BPD, Bisexual Evan, Cinnamon Roll Zoe, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Famous Murphy siblings, Florist Evan, Fluff and Angst, Gay Connor, M/M, Model Connor, Physical Abuse, Shameful HTGAWM references/promo, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Social Media
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-01-05 10:40:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12188415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpius_cinnamon_roll/pseuds/scorpius_cinnamon_roll
Summary: Connor Murphy is a world famous model with sharp cheekbones and some serious mental health issues. Evan Hansen is a small town florist who just wants to go through life unnoticed. Nobody could have guessed that the pair were childhood friends.After years without contact they are reunited once again, but will things fall straight back into place? Or has too much changed for things to ever be the same again?





	1. EVAN

**[www.gossippages.com]**

‘WORLD FAMOUS MODEL CONNOR MURPHY PICTURED LEAVING AIRPORT WITH MANAGER BOYFRIEND CARL EDWARDS’

_Today model Connor Murphy was photographed with boyfriend of two years, Carl Edwards, who also doubles up as Murphy’s manager! Talk about a good work relationship!? The pair were spotted in a small café at Gatwick Airport, England. Murphy sporting an off brand baseball cap and sunglasses, in attempt to blend in to the crowds. In other photos the couple can be seen embracing before boarding the plane._

_Whilst both Murphy and Edwards were unavailable to comment, a source close to the pair has confirmed that after finishing up on a shoot in New York, Murphy plans to return to his home town for a few days._

_For all your #ConnorMurphy content make sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletter!_

 

**[https://www.tumblr.com/search/connor+murphy]**

**@connorsmanbun:** OML Connor in a baseball cap is my new sexuality!

 **@connormerphy:** can we please talk about how connor is so unashamed of his sexuality ?? holding hands and not giving a f*ck about cameras !! IM SO PROUD OF MA SON

 **@peoplearegaygetoverit:** THANK YOU TO ALL THE PHOTOGRAPHERS FOR BLESSING US WITH NEW CARLNOR CONTENT _#OTP #i love these bois_

 **@connormurphyslaw:** Okay but to everyone reblogging the photos of Connor at the airport yesterday have you noticed how unhappy he looks? He is clearly upset about something and probably doesn’t want that documented all over the internet! I’m not trying to be critical but please don’t support the invasion of celebrities’ privacy!

 

**[Ohio, 8:37am]**

Evan Hansen had long grown accustomed to seeing the face of his childhood best friend multiple times a day, in fact he suspected that the majority of America’s population had. Connor’s face seemed to appear in every advert, all the magazines and on every billboard, so ultimately it was pretty hard to avoid his broody appearance on a regular basis.

Therefore it came as no surprise to Evan when he saw a photo of Connor plastered on the front cover of a gossip magazine on his way to work that morning. The woman reading the magazine looked like she was in her early twenties, and her carefully manicured nails obscured the model’s face slightly, preventing Evan from taking in its entirety. The woman’s eyes were hungrily scanning what he assumed was yet another article about the most famous Murphy sibling.

The headline was of course about Connor’s sexuality, a largely personal affair that naturally most of the world seemed to know all about. A couple of years ago the news that Connor was out with another man would have shocked Evan, but nowadays it was practically general knowledge.

When Connor had ‘come out’ of the closet two years, his popularity had skyrocketed. Suddenly he was a ‘gay icon’ and his number of Instagram followers had tripled overnight. Evan, who had struggled just coming out to his close friends and family, couldn’t imagine what it must feel like to be thrown into the deep end in such a way, and all because of one photo.

He still remembered the way his phone had buzzed in his pocket, signalling that he had received a media message from Jared. At first he had ignored it, assuming that it was just another silly meme, but, later that day, when he finally opened the chat, he discovered that he couldn’t have been more wrong. Instead of some tasteless joke the photo was of Connor. The image itself was grainy however, there was no mistaking it, one of the men in the photo was his childhood best friend, the cheekbones and curly hair were too distinctive, not to mention the trademark black nail polish. You might be wondering what exactly was so special about this photo of Connor, after all he was a model, it was his job to appear in photos. The thing is Connor wasn’t the only boy in the image. That’s right, the boy Evan had known since he was two years old had his tongue down another man’s throat.

However, it wasn’t the fact it was Connor in the photo that shocked Evan the most, nor was it the presence of the other man. No, what amazed Evan was the fact that the screenshot of the article was from a national news website and whilst he knew Connor was famous, he wasn’t aware that the younger man’s private life was worthy of making the morning news. Clearly he had no understanding of how celebrity culture worked, because the next thing he knew Connor was everywhere, his name always seemed to be trending on twitter and he was appearing on what felt like every chat show out there. Evan just couldn’t quite comprehend why everyone adored the model so much, on several occasions he had lashed out at paparazzi and from what he could see Connor was a pretty withdrawn, antisocial guy, sure he was beautiful and all, but was he really all that special? His sister Zoe was a model too, and despite being the nicer and less outrageous of the two, she received nowhere near the level of attention that her brother did.

Jared’s caption attached to the message asked whether or not Evan remembered Connor, which was, in Evan’s humble opinion, a stupid question. _Of course_ he remembered Connor, the two had been best friends since birth, they had practically lived at each other’s house during every holiday and when they were seven Connor had given Evan a friendship bracelet that he’d made himself. Evan could still remember how insistent the other boy had been that they would be best friends forever, in hindsight he thought Connor had probably had a pretty severe fear of abandonment, not that he himself was in any position to start judging others for their mental instabilities. Unfortunately, the promises that we make don’t always last forever, and Evan had scarcely seen his so called best friend since the other boy was scouted at fourteen by a modelling agency and then whisked off to Japan for some family Gap shoot. For a while they had both attempted to keep in contact, but, eventually the distance had got the better of their relationship and before either of them knew it they hadn’t seen one another for seven years.

At least he liked to tell himself that the distance is what had broken them apart... 

He was snapped out of his thoughts when the woman, who had been holding the magazine with Connor’s face on it, coughed loudly, seemingly to get his attention.

He pulled his ear phones out and tried to make eye contact with her to see what it was she wanted.

“Did you want this?” she asked kindly.

Evan frowned, why would he want the magazine?

The woman must have sensed his confusion because she proceeded to explain herself.

“It’s just I’m about to get off and you’ve been staring at the front cover for the last twenty minutes,” she chuckled.

Evan blushed furiously.

“O-Oh god, sorry! That must have seemed really creepy,” he stammered, stumbling over his words.

The woman’s smile didn’t falter, she insisted that she hadn’t found him creepy at all and then handed him the magazine before heading over to the open doors of the bus and jumping out.

Evan hastily stuffed the copy of ‘ModelBehaviour’ into his backpack, he didn’t like to read on the bus in case he got too distracted and missed his stop, speaking of which it was the next one. He slowly rose from his seat and made his way to the exit, he preferred to stand up a stop early to prevent anxiety about missing it.

When he finally arrived he hopped off and quickly embarked on the five minute journey from the bus stop to the Flower Shop he worked at, ‘Feeling Bloom’. His friend Jared had come up with the name after finishing business school and deciding to open a shop. Evan had no idea why exactly the graduate had decided on a flower shop, but somehow it had taken off and was now constantly swamped with orders. He was also particularly grateful for the fact that his friend had started his own business because it gave Evan an easy way into the working world, when Jared had offered him a job working in the back of the shop, with the promise of no social interaction, he had jumped at the opportunity, He now spent every day arranging all different types of flowers for various occasions. Furthermore, whilst he didn’t exactly like to brag per say, he had become something of an expert on plants and the different meanings behind roses and dandelions etc.

The only downside to working for Jared was the teasing, over the years the shorter boy had come up with a rather extensive range of insults and jokes, whether they be about Evan’s sexuality, anxiety or just his general existence. From the outside Jared’s behaviour might just appear to be unnecessarily cruel, but, Evan knew that it was all a mask for the other boy’s own insecurities. Also, Jared was actually pretty understanding when it came to the fact that Evan preferred not to interact with customers, which was why he was surprised when the manager asked him to complete a delivery later that day.

Evan was in the backroom, putting together a wedding bouquet when the brown haired boy stuck his head around the doorway.

“Evannnn,” Jared called, dragging out the end of the name.

Evan raised a suspicious eyebrow.

“What?” he asked nervously.

“Could you please do me a massive favour? Michael is out sick and I really need someone to make this delivery today,” he explained, gesturing to a large bunch of welcome home flowers that Evan had put together the day before.

Evan was shaking his head before Jared had even finished his sentence.

“No. Nope,” he insisted.

Jared sighed.

“Please Ev, it’s not like you don’t know the family” he whined.

Evan looked at Jared in confusion. Knew the family? What family? He rarely got the names of the people he made flowers for and so had no idea what on earth his boss was on about.

“The Murphys,” Jared scoffed, rolling his eyes at Evan’s confusion.

Evan was practically gaping at this point.

“Yeah Mrs Murphy ordered some flowers yesterday for Connor’s return tomorrow and she wants them delivered today!” he explained.

Evan’s head was reeling, he walked past the Murphy’s house every day on his way home, but had not stepped into the threshold itself for over six years. The thought of doing so made him feel slightly nauseous, but then again Jared had said Connor wouldn’t be home until tomorrow, so maybe he would be able to drop the flowers off without encountering the model. But wait, what if Connor had decided to come home early, then Cynthia would be angry that the her son had arrived before the flowers, and then she might shout at Evan!

He knew he must have gotten lost in his thoughts because the next thing he knew Jared was clicking his fingers in front of his face.

Evan stared at his friend, the panic must have been evident in his eyes because Jared’s face softened.

“Look Ev if it’s too much I can-” he started to say, but Evan cut him off.

“No I’ll do it!” he said firmly, shocked by the sudden confidence in his own voice.

After all it was just a delivery, what’s the worst thing that could happen.

A few hours later he was starting to regret his own assertiveness, he had been lingering outside the Murphy’s gate for almost ten minutes and was yet to make any movement that would open it. In one hand he was holding on to a large bouquet of flowers and he was fiddling with the bottom of his hoodie with the other.

The last time he had stepped inside this house- actually no, he didn’t want to think about that.

He took a deep breath and was about to open the gate when he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. He jumped and whirled around, nearly dropping the flowers.

“Oh my goodness I’m so sorry, it’s just you were blocking the gate!”

He recognised her just from the soft, kind voice. It was Zoe Murphy.

He opened his mouth to speak, but found he couldn’t summon any words.

Zoe studied his face before a look of realisation dawned on her own.

“Holy shit! Evan?” she gasped, breaking into a wide smile. “What are you doing here?”

Evan awkwardly waved the flowers, hoping they would serve as a suitable explanation.

Fortunately, Zoe seemed to understand.

“Oh do you work for that flower shop?”

Evan nodded, he wasn’t sure if he should just hand the flowers to Zoe, or go and knock on the door.

Zoe must have developed some sort of mind reading ability, because she opened the gate and beckoned for Evan to follow her. He quickly followed her up the driveway, but stopped when he reached the doorway, unsure as to whether he should invade the privacy of the house. From his spot at the door he could hear Zoe calling for her mother in the kitchen. He heard his own name mentioned in their conversation, and before he knew it someone had flung their arms around him, the red hair told him it was Cynthia. He tried to reciprocate the hug, which was difficult considering he was still holding the flowers.

Eventually the woman pulled away, she was beaming at him. He gave her a nervous smile.

“Evan it’s been so long!” she gasped, it was at this moment that she spotted the flowers.

“Oh they’re gorgeous!” she exclaimed, before taking them of a very relieved Evan.

She carefully placed them on a small table before turning back around.

“Evan would you like to come inside?” she asked eagerly. “I’m afraid Connor won’t be back until tomorrow, but it would be lovely to catch up with you!”

Evan stuttered out something about having to be home for dinner.

Unfortunately this did nothing to deter Cynthia.

“Well then you simply have to come over tomorrow for Connor’s welcome home dinner!” she replied happily.

He was about to come up with an excuse, but Cynthia looked so excited that he really didn’t want to take that away.

“U-uh what time?” he stammered.

“Well if you get here at seven that would be just perfect! In fact Zoe here could pick you up, if you need a ride?” she suggested.

Evan didn’t really know what he could say to that so he just nodded.

Zoe shot him a reassuring smile.

“You still live in the same house right?” she asked.

Again Evan just nodded.

“Did you want to maybe swap numbers?” she offered.

“Oh mine is the same,” he said before he could stop himself.

“You’ve had the same number for seven years?” she chuckled, causing Evan to blush.

Still giggling, she wrote her number down on a scrap piece of paper and handed it over to him.

“Text me your number, I’m not sure I still have it,” she explained, causing Evan’s blush to deepen, of course Zoe didn’t have his number anymore!

He nodded for what felt like the hundredth time that afternoon, before awkwardly waving and muttering a goodbye.

As a he walked home his stomach began to fill with dread. He hadn’t seen Connor in years, and the other boy was famous now, he probably didn’t want to waste his time on ordinary people like Evan. God tomorrow was going to be a disaster.


	2. CONNOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> -Disordered eating  
> -Emotional abuse  
> -Mention of vomit in the past

**[https://twitter.com/search?q=connor%20murphy &src=typd]**

**@stuckyinmyhead:** is it just me or does @connormurphy have the facial structure of a literal god?!?

 **@connorxcarl:** I WANT TO DIE BEING SUFFOCATED BY A LOOSE STRAND OF CONNORS HAIR thank you that will be all #connormurphy

 **@janecateey:** no offense to all his thirteen year old fangirls but @connormurphy looks like a literal rat lmao

 **@Connermerphy:** @connormurphy I love you. Just wanted to put that out there!

 **@Problemxticbiatch:** @connormurphy is a fat son of a bitch. Why the fuck do people stan him??

 **@ZoeeeStan4life:** @ZoeMurphy is so much prettier than that fat lump brother of hers @connormurphy #zoestan

 

**[New York, 3:32am]**

Connor’s eyes scanned over the screen of the laptop propped up on his knees, the soft light coming from it contrasted with the dark room and illuminated the sharpest features of his face. He wasn’t wearing his glasses and that, combined with the brightness of the screen, was making his eyes ache. As his eyes roamed over the hateful messages, a part of him wanted to slam the computer shut in anger. Perhaps that would have been the healthier option, as opposed to spending hours scrolling past positive messages, searching for something hateful, but, unfortunately Connor had never really been one for taking care of himself. Over the years he had developed a slight obsession with trolling the internet for hateful comments about himself, whether they be about his weight, sexuality or just standard ones about how he was a talentless piece of shit who relied on the attention of thirteen year old, pre-pubescent girls. That wasn’t to say he never read the nice comments in his twitter feed, occasionally he would favourite a description of a fan encounter, or reply to a funny joke with a witty response of his own. The problem was it wasn’t the long posts about how beautiful his hair was, or how unusually stunning his eyes were that kept him up at night, instead it was the rants that attacked his deepest insecurities or the odd critical comment that reminded him of something his father might have said years ago.

He envied other models who managed to brush the negative comments aside, or who simply didn’t have the urge to constantly go searching for them in the middle of the night. Unfortunately for Connor, he found the _‘anti connor murphy’_ tag on Tumblr, almost as addictive as other people found heroin.

Tonight, he had chosen to search through his Twitter mentions for hateful comments, with the vague hope that people on that social media platform wouldn’t be as cruel as they often were on Tumblr. 

He was in the midst of reading an angry thread when he felt the man lying beside him shift, he held his breath, not daring to move a muscle. Carl rolled over, but made no further movement to show he was awake. Connor carefully closed the laptop, placing it silently on the bedside table, before laying back against the soft pillows. However, he didn’t dare to move another inch, knowing that if he did so his boyfriend might wake up, and Carl really hated being woken up. On this particular occasion, Connor really didn’t want to cause him further stress and upset, especially not after all the trouble he’d already caused at the London fashion show.

Realistically, he knew it wasn’t really his fault the jumper hadn’t fit right, the designer herself had apologised, explaining that she had lost his measurements and therefore had accidently made the garment too small, of course that hadn’t stopped Carl from pointing out that were Connor a size smaller, the item of clothing probably would have fit perfectly.

He had skipped dinner that night.

So yes, he really didn’t want to cause his boyfriend further stress by keeping him up at night, he prayed that his small movements wouldn’t have caused further disruption. Unfortunately, as per usual, fate was not on his side.

Carl let out a long groan, before sitting up in bed and turning to glare at Connor, who cowered slightly beneath the duvet.

“You were doing it again weren’t you!” he snapped, his voice cold and unsympathetic.

Connor bit his lip, uncertain about whether to make an attempt at lying.

“Err define it?” he joked nervously.

“That stupid thing with the hate comments,” Carl mumbled, pressing his face back into the pillow and closing his eyes.

Connor shifted uncomfortably.

“Gee thanks for the fucking reassurance,” he muttered. 

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he knew it would have been wiser to keep the passive aggressive thoughts to himself.

Carl sat back up and flipped the light on.

“Excuse me?” he growled.

Everything went downhill from there.

When he tried to apologise, Carl went on a rant about how needy Connor was, he shouted about how Connor couldn’t just expect him to carry his boyfriend through life, protecting him from every little fucking thing. A year ago, Connor would have fought back, but now he just lay there and listened while Carl explained that if Connor didn’t love himself, then nobody else ever would. At this point the model had to bite back a comment about how Carl seemed to love him quite a lot when the older man screamed his name during sex.

Whilst he didn’t particularly enjoy being yelled at, he knew deep down that Carl was probably right, after all, who could love someone as worthless and needy as him.

 

**[New York, 7:30am]**

Connor was nursing a cup of coffee and a migraine, he knew his boyfriend must be feeling guilty about their argument the night before because the older man had said nothing when Connor heaped six sugars into the cappuccino.

His eyes were currently closed, as a small army of make-up artists swarmed around him, attacking him with various brushes and products. A few years ago, the sound of their chattering voices would have been enough to send him over the edge, but now he just focused on the breathing exercises his therapist had taught him for when the anger started to bubble in his stomach. 

Vaguely, he could hear a woman’s voice chastising him for the bags under his eyes, he let out a pitiful sigh, followed by a half-hearted apology.

The faceless woman seemed to buy it though because she patted him on the head comfortingly, whilst his eyes were still closed he figured that her and the rest of the team were done with his make-up, because he heard the clicking of high heels, as their voices faded away.

The sounds of giggles and stilettos were replaced by the commanding thud of high heeled boots, he’d recognise that sound anywhere.

“Lola?” he asked, opening his eyes and gazing into the mirror, behind his own reflection was that of a large, dark skinned woman with long curly hair and red lips. 

Connor had known Lola since he was fourteen years old and had first started in the industry, back then he had just been a small town boy, whilst she was a stylist’s assistant. Lola had seen Connor at his absolute worst, she had held his hair back when he was sixteen and throwing up vodka at four in the morning in fancy hotel bathrooms, she had also been present for more than one of his larger breakdowns. She was also the one who found him a therapist when his BPD was at its worst and yet still hadn’t been diagnosed. She also happened to be the only person Connor knew, who didn’t like his manager boyfriend. It wasn’t so much that she outright despised Carl that pleased Connor, it was more the fact that she liked Connor instead, something which rarely seemed to happen.

“Did you sleep at all in London?” she cried in exasperation, picking up a concealer brush and stroking it under the dark circles beneath his eyes which, despite the make-up team’s best efforts, were still visible.

“I miss my own bed,” he muttered, attempting to come up with a somewhat reasonable excuse.

One look was enough to tell him that the hairdresser wasn’t buying any of his crap.

“Can you just fix my hair please!?” 

Some people might have been offended by the model’s negative attitude, but Lola had seen him literally scream at staff after getting paranoid about non-existent things, a few harsh words weren’t going to discourage her.

So, instead of taking offense she just raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow, before smacking him lightly round the head. Under ordinary circumstances, Connor would have chuckled, but today the slap only caused his headache to worsen.

The increase of pain must have been evident in his face, perhaps he had winced or something, because the hair stylist frowned.

“Migraine honey?” she asked gently, instantly knowing what was wrong; Connor had been getting the headaches for pretty much his entire life.

When he was a little kid, it was his mom who would massage his temples and hold a bucket under his chin if he got nauseous. Actually, she had taken care of him right up until he was sixteen and had only really stopped because she no longer accompanied him to every show. Sometimes Connor wished he hadn’t pleaded with Cynthia to stop travelling the world with him, perhaps if she had been around things wouldn’t have gone so downhill. Then again, Lola had pretty much become a second mother to him over the years, and her presence hadn’t been enough to stop everything from going to shit. However, she had always been there for him when he got sick, taking care of him and prioritising his health over anything, even her own job.

“Can you get through the shoot?” she asked, lowering her voice to ensure that Carl, who was stood a few feet away, wouldn’t overhear.

Connor grimaced but replied with a short nod, whilst his head was practically throbbing, he was desperate to finish up on this shoot so he could go home for a few nights, escaping the hectic world he lived in.

After a few hours of non-stop posing and changing, Connor had come to regret his decision not to speak up about how unwell he felt. For the final part of the shoot he was required to be topless, which meant he was currently shivering, whilst waiting for the photographer to fix some problem with the camera. Luckily someone had been kind enough to drape a blanket over his naked torso, whoever it was had also asked if he wanted to some flapjack, which he had swiftly declined for two reasons, firstly he was feeling pretty sick and secondly because he didn’t want to look fucking bloated.

Carl was running his fingers through Connor’s long curly hair, whispering comfortingly that it would all be over soon and that he would take him back to the hotel to rest. It was things like this that reminded Connor of the man he had fallen in love with years ago, not the man who shouted at him for dropping things or playing his music too loud.

After what felt like forever, the photographer finally announced that he had resolved the issue with the camera and that the shoot could now recommence. Carl placed a brief kiss against Connor’s forehead, his lips lingering for a moment against the brown haired boy’s warm skin. Reluctantly, the model pulled away, before shuffling back towards a large white screen, leaving the warmth of the blanket behind him.

As the lights came on and that camera started to click, he found himself feeling dizzy, his legs felt shaky and his vision was starting to blur. He looked around hazily for something he could steady himself on, because he felt like the ground was trying to swallow him up. He could vaguely hear the photographer shouting at him to stay still, but he was distracted. Small black dots crawled into his line of sight like beetles, and he felt his knees buckle. The last thing he heard before he passed out entirely was Lola calling his name anxiously.

\---

He could feel someone tapping at his cheek.

He knew people were talking because he could hear voices, but instead of all merging together harmoniously, they sounded more like a swarm of angry vultures, arguing about who got to eat him first.

“Let the poor boy breathe for God’s sake!”

Thank fuck for Lola. 

Connor’s eyes fluttered open and he watched sleepily as his hair stylist ushered sobbing interns away, whilst simultaneously glaring at his manager. Subconsciously it occurred to him that maybe he should fire his bodyguard because Lola did a much better job at protecting him than they did, whether that be from fans, interns or, on his bad days, sometimes even himself.

The space around him emptied before his very eyes, until the only people he recognised were Lola and of course Carl, who somehow seemed to have escaped Lola and her mission to clear the room. The manager had a somewhat conflicted expression on his face, but the summarising emotions seemed to be concern, pity and frustration.

“Babe have you eaten anything today?” he asked.

Connor wanted to scoff, Carl knew full well that he hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon on the plane, unless you counted the highly sweetened coffee he had consumed half off that morning.

So, instead of answering the question, Connor blamed the fainting incident on jet lag, lucky for him the bags under his eyes seemed to serve as some form of evidence for the story and so the majority of people seemed to buy it. Either that or nobody wanted to admit that something might genuinely be seriously wrong with the model because he made his management and everyone who employed him so much money.

Connor wanted to squeal in delight when the photographer insisted that he had enough material for the article and so Connor could leave early. He grinned at the nice man on the way out, making sure to thank everyone as he did so because one thing he had learnt early on was that being rude to anyone, no matter the circumstances, was basically the equivalent to outright asking for bad press.

He was still feeling pretty dizzy and fainting had only increased the intensity of the migraine, so Carl had to wrap an arm around him to prevent him from collapsing again on their way out of the building. As he climbed into the car he recognised the tell-tale sound of paparazzi cameras in the bushes. Tomorrow the news that Connor Murphy was ‘practically on his death bed’ would be all over the internet but, as he rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder and drifted off to sleep, he really didn’t give a shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So firstly I want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who left kudos or commented on the first chapter! It means so much to me that people are enjoying my little story :)
> 
> Also as you can tell from the tags, this story will include sensitive issues such as eating disorders and mental illness, so if you think you might be triggered by either of those things please be cautious about reading it. If you have any questions feel free to leave them in the comments, or shoot me a message on Tumblr, I'm @faistylegs
> 
> Thanks again for reading! The next chapter should involve a certain two people being reunited!


	3. EVAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> -Disordered eating  
> -Expression of suicidal thoughts  
> -Swearing  
> -Anxiety  
> -Discussion of mental health issues

**[www.dailymodels.com]**

‘IS CONNOR MURPHY OKAY?’

_Yesterday afternoon Connor Murphy was pictured looking incredibly unwell as he left a Vogue fashion shoot in New York. The model appeared pale and had to depend on his boyfriend, Carl Edwards, to support him as he walked._

_Many fans have expressed their concern for Murphy via social media, however no official statement regarding the model’s health has been released._

_Last week it was confirmed that Murphy intended to return home for a few days, however, at this point it is unknown whether the twenty one year old will be fit enough to travel._

_For regular updates on this story, please follow us on twitter, or like our Facebook page_

 

**[https://www.tumblr.com/search/connor+murphy]**

**@connorslave:** PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME CONFIRMATION THAT MY BABY IS OKAY I CANT EVEN DEAL RIGHT NOW IM ACTUALLY FULL ON SOBBING

 **@murFAYconnor:** Does anyone know if Connor is going home still?

 **@gayformurphysibs:** @murFAYconnor yep it was on carls snapchat

 

**[Ohio 6:27pm]**

As Evan read over the article, he couldn’t help but feel a distorted sense of relief, surely Connor wouldn’t want company if he was sick, which meant Evan could potentially be excused from what he anticipated would be a very awkward dinner.

However, he also didn’t want to just assume that the meal would be cancelled, that would seem rude, especially if Zoe turned up to collect him and he was in no shape or form ready. With that idea at the forefront of his mind, he decided the best solution would be to text Zoe and ask her what was going on.

So, after typing out and then swiftly deleting several potential messages, he finally settle on what to say.

 **Evan:** Hi Zoe, I came across an article saying Connor wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t want to assume anything but I was wondering if we were still on for tonight?

After pressing send he stared at his phone for a few minutes, waiting for a reply. In the end he set it down and tried to distract himself. This plan failed because every time he heard a noise he assumed it was a text alert and would instantly pick the device up again. Eventually, the phone really did vibrate and Zoe’s name appeared in the screen.

 **Zoe:** lmao u text like an adult wth ?? yah we r still on for tonight, connor is fine just a bit tired

Evan took a deep breath, waited a minute so his hands could stop shaking, before typing out a response.

 **Evan:** Okay cool :)

Despite his seemingly causal text, things were most definitely not ‘cool’. Zoe was going to be here to pick him up in a quarter of an hour and he still hadn’t even decided whether or not he should wear cufflinks!

In the end he decided that cufflinks probably weren’t necessary, even if Connor was a model, plus he liked his sleeves to feel loose. 

Precisely eighteen minutes after Zoe had texted, Evan was waiting outside his front door. He knew most people would probably have stayed indoors, where it was warm, but he wanted to save Zoe the trouble of getting out of her car to ring the doorbell.

He glanced at his watch for what felt like the hundredth time in the last five minutes and tried to subdue the panic rising in his chest. After all, it was highly unlikely that Zoe had actually been in a car crash on her way to pick him up.

When he caught sight of a fancy black car turn the corner on to his road, his heart rate returned to an almost normal level. Hastily, he made his way up the garden path, as Zoe parked the car by the curb.

As he opened the passenger door and clambered into his seat, he noticed that she was trying not to laugh.

“What?” he asked in concern.

“Nothing, it’s just sweet that you waited outside your house.”

“Oh right, well I didn’t want to keep you waiting and I thought-”

“Evan?”

“Yes?”

“Shut up.”

“Sorry…”

Zoe chuckled and turned her attention to driving the car.

As she drove the only thing filling the silence was the cheesy pop song coming from the stereo. Evan vaguely recognised the track as one that Jared had played the other week and he subtlety bobbed his head along to the beat.

“Do you like pop music?” Zoe asked.

Evan just shrugged.

“It’s okay I guess.”

“Connor can’t stand it,” Zoe laughed, “says it’s not real music!”

Evan gave her a weak smile.

“I guess he never was one for following the crowd,” he added, remembering how at twelve years old Connor had spent a month rambling about how shitty reality tv shows were, despite the fact that everyone else in their class watched them.

They spent the rest of the journey making small talk about the different books and TV shows they liked, Zoe told Evan about Connor’s addiction to crime shows and Evan quietly told her all about a book he had borrowed from the library last month about the different types of creatures who lived in oak trees. By the time they had arrived at the Murphy residence, he was almost feeling relaxed.

That is until Zoe didn’t get out of the car straight away and instead grabbed his arm.

Had all of this all been a prank? Was Connor even home?

She must have sensed that he was nervous because she sent him a reassuring smile. Unfortunately there still seemed to be a concerned look in her eyes.

“Um I kind of need to tell you something,” she admitted, biting her lip.

Here we go Evan thought, all of this was a big joke or something¸ after all Connor and Zoe were famous, perhaps Evan was going to be humiliated on TV.

“Connor doesn’t know you’re here.”

Whatever Evan had been expecting, it wasn’t that.

“W-what?”

“My mom thought it would be a nice surprise or something I guess,” she explained, her voice filled with second hand embarrassment, as if somehow she was ashamed of her mother’s idea.

Whilst he wanted to reassure her, it felt like someone had dialled his anxiety to eleven.

“So, um, will uh, will Connor be okay? You know that I’m here?” he asked, trying not to make it too obvious that he was on the verge of what felt like a panic attack. 

Zoe looked at him with worry.

“I can’t make any promises,” she sighed, “Connor isn’t exactly the same person he was seven years ago.

Evan looked at her with confusion, prompting her to continue.

“When he was seventeen he was diagnosed with BPD, which basically means he gets really paranoid and has all these mood swings,” she explained, her leg bounced, as she pointedly avoided making eye contact.

“Is that it?” Evan asked, almost bluntly.

“Huh?” 

Zoe looked up at him.

His face went red.

“Oh god that probably sounded really rude! I’m so sorry I-”

She cut him off.

“Hey it’s okay!”

“N-no it’s not I-”

“Evan please stop apologising!”

“Sorry…”

Zoe looked at him with pity.

“The thing is Connor and I haven’t exactly had the best relationship for the past seven years, things are actually getting a bit better now because he’s on meds and talking to a therapist. But, I can’t exactly promise that he’ll be okay with the fact you’re here, a-and if he um, if he gets mad? I can’t make any promises.” 

Zoe’s voice cracked.

“Does he get angry a lot then?” Evan inquired nervously, trying to sound relaxed but inside he felt like a wreck.

“Like I said, he’s not as bad nowadays, but, he doesn’t exactly _love_ surprises,” she sighed, finally climbing out of the car.

Evan’s hands where no longer sweaty, they were practically leaking. He desperately wanted to just curl up on the seat and refuse to go in. However, he was pretty sure that doing so would create some sort of scene and so reluctantly he followed after Zoe.

Glancing down, he couldn’t help but notice how tatty his shoes looked in comparison to the fancy gravel on the ground in the driveway, God, Connor was probably in a million dollar suit, and here he was in some clothes from the more expensive aisle at Walmart.

Pushing aside the thought that perhaps he should have worn a tie and not just a blazer and shirt, he hurried after Zoe and towards the front door. Despite having spent so much time here as a child, he still wasn’t used to the sheer enormity and grandeur of the house compared to his own.

Before unlocking the door, Zoe squeezed his arm, as if somehow the gesture would relieve him of his anxieties, she then entered the house, leaving Evan to follow along behind her.

He had half expected Connor to jump out at him wielding a knife and screaming for him to leave as soon as he stepped foot on the threshold, but instead he was met with an empty hallway and the faint sound of the television playing in the living room.

Zoe seemed to be following the sound, so like a sheep he trailed along behind her.

Upon entering the room he was met with the sight of Connor, who was lounging on the couch, a tub of chocolate ice cream resting on his stomach and a spoon in his mouth. His eyes were glued to the TV, which seemed to be playing some Netflix show.

“Seriously Connor? How many times have you seen this show?” Zoe asked, rolling her eyes as she dropped into the armchair between the door and sofa.

Connor opened his mouth to answer, but, it was at that exact moment that his eyes flickered over to where Evan was still stood in the doorway.

“Hansen? What the fuck?”

Evan whimpered and took a step back, despite the fact that all the other boy had done was sit up.

“Um your mom invited me.”

Connor stared at Evan for a moment before looking away and picking at some loose skin around his fingernail.

If Evan hadn’t known better he’d think Connor was nervous, but how could that be the case? Connor was a celebrity? Surely, he didn’t get shy?

The model seemed to recover whatever it was that he’d lost for a moment, because he looked up with a new-found confidence in his eyes.

“Well damn I thought I glowed up,” he teased.

Evan blushed an even deeper shade of crimson.

“How to get away with Murder?” Connor asked, raising an eyebrow.

“W-what?” 

Oh god, this boy was a psychopath.

“Jesus Hansen it’s a TV show,” Connor muttered, rolling his eyes and gesturing to the television.

Evan sighed in relief.

“I’ve never seen it.”

An hour later Evan had seen episode one of what Connor had deemed ‘THE BEST FUCKING SHOW IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD’. Connor had been kind enough to pause the episode he had been watching and go back to season one so that Evan could catch up.

Evan was about to try and work up the courage to ask if they could watch the next episode when Cynthia called out that it was time for dinner.

As Connor stood up Evan suddenly realised how overdressed he was, all Connor was wearing were grey tracksuit bottoms, fluffy socks and an baggy black jumper, and yet here he was looking like he’d been invited to a formal banquet with the Queen of England.

His childhood friend had clearly also noticed the contrast between their appearances, because he looked Evan up and down and sniggered.

“Nice get up man.”

“Oh right, I thought this would be a more formal thing,” Evan explained.

“Well I’m flattered that _someone_ is glad I’m home,” Connor replied quietly, shooting an almost cold look towards the kitchen.

“Con, we’re all glad to see you,” Zoe said gently, placing a hand on her brother’s arm tentatively.

“Sure, whatever,” he muttered, shrugging her hand away and walking into the dining room.

“Is he…” Evan started, trailing off as he watched Connor storm away.

“He’ll be fine,” Zoe assured him, with what Evan presumed was a slightly forced smile.

He lagged after Zoe as she too made her way to the room Connor had just entered, taking a deep breath as he did so.

He few minutes later he found himself sat between the Murphy siblings, as Cynthia piled mashed potatoes on to his plate. When she turned to do the same for Connor, the other boy stopped her.

“I don’t want any.”

“But Connor-”

“I’m not hungry.”

Evan looked between the mother and son nervously, he really hated conflict and from what Zoe had said earlier he was concerned that Connor might flip out over some potatoes.

Cynthia had a hurt expression on her face.

“Will you at least eat some vegetables?” she asked, almost pleadingly.

Connor surveyed the carrots and broccoli with trepidation.

Evan waited with baited breath.

“I want ice cream.”

Evan very nearly scoffed, what kind of mother was going to let their adult son eat ice cream for dinner.

To his amazement Cynthia gave a reluctant nod, before allowing Connor to leave the table and go to the kitchen.

Larry sighed.

“Cynthia, you can’t just let him eat whatever he wants,” he said in a hushed whisper.

“Not now Larry please!”

Connor re-entered the room, armed with a different ice cream to the one he had been eating earlier, and a packet of Oreos.

Everyone eyed the food but said nothing, Evan tried to focus on his own meal as Connor started to stuff biscuits into the tub of strawberry ice cream.

“So, Evan,” Cynthia said brightly, “what exactly are you doing these days?”

He could tell she was trying to act calm and natural, but it was obvious from the way her eyes flickered towards Connor every so often that her attention was skewed.

“I’m a florist.”

“Oh, how wonderfully charming!”

“Is that like flowers and shit?”

Evan turned to face Connor, who was licking the cream off one of the cookies.

He tried desperately not to get distracted by the way the other boys tongue was gliding over the white filling.

“Uh yeah.”

The long-haired boy nodded and went back to his desserts, not saying anything for the rest of the meal.

After dinner, Zoe announced that she had plans with a friend and excused herself. Cynthia suggested that Connor take Evan upstairs, which the shorter boy couldn’t help but think sounded slightly creepy.

Whilst he wasn’t exactly expecting to find actual corpses or skeletons, Evan was surprised by how normal Connor’s bedroom seemed to be. The walls were painted red and there were a few book posters on the walls, Evan recognised a photo of one of the characters from How to get away with Murder taped to the wall above a desk that was overcrowded with stacks of books.

Connor sat down on his messily made bed and twiddled with his thumbs.

God this was awkward.

Evan decided to try and break the silence.

“So, you like to read then?” 

Connor nodded.

Evan went to pick up one of the books, but, in the process accidently dislodged one of the piles and sent them all crashing to the floor.

At the sound of the books colliding with the ground Connor whimpered, sounding almost like a wounded animal.

“Oh god! I’m so sorry! I’ll clear these up, God I’m such an idiot! Sorry!” 

He fell to the floor and started desperately to try and tidy the mess he had made.

“Evan.”

“Really I’m so clumsy I-”

“Dude chill out!”

Connor had stood up.

Evan looked up at him nervously from his spot on the ground.

The lanky boy approached the desk and picked something up that had been hidden behind the stack of books Evan had knocked over. It was a photograph. Connor stayed quiet and so Evan apprehensively stood up, before peaking at the image in the frame himself.

It was like staring into a mirror of the past, smiling back up at him from the photo was his younger self, he had an arm wrapped around Connor, who was looking at Evan not the camera and laughing.

Looking at this photo now Evan could see why his friend had been scouted, he’d been thirteen in this photo, one year away from being ‘discovered’ and he looked almost radiant. His hair, which and been short at the time, framed his face almost perfectly, emphasising his sharp cheekbones, and his eyes were a bright shade of blue, apart from the small specs of brown in one of them.

“Wow I look…” Connor paused, as if searching for the right word.

“Young?” Evan suggested.

“Happy,” Connor sighed.

“Those were some good times,” he added.

Evan nodded.

“So, Hansen, you probably know all about my life huh?” 

As he spoke Connor jumped on to his bed, wriggling around with the cushions to get comfy, he gestured for Evan to take a seat, which he did, on the end of the bed.

“Um not everything,” Evan muttered in response.

“Right, well let’s see, you know I’m gay.” 

Evan bit his lip.

“Uh yeah I think I remember reading it in a magazine,” he mumbled.

Connor scoffed.

“Actually, when all that stuff came out it reminded me of you, because of the last time you were in this room.”

Connor’s voice seemed to have developed a slightly dangerous edge.

“I d-don’t know what you mean,” Evan stuttered.

“Oh, like you don’t remember!”

“Well it was a long time ago Connor!”

Connor looked at him with a mixture of what looked like surprise and awe.

“Fuck me Hansen who knew you had it in you to raise your voice,” he chuckled.

Evan couldn’t help but give him a small smile.

He started to open his mouth to apologise, but, Connor silenced him with a raise of his hand.

“Don’t fucking ruin it by saying sorry!”

Evan closed his mouth.

Connor looked down at his fingers, which were fiddling with one of the pillows scattered over the bed.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable talking about before, it shouldn’t have happened, you’re not even gay I should never have kissed you, not that it would have made a difference if you were gay-”

“I’m bi.”

“What?”

“I-I’m bisexual.”

“Oh. Okay then, that’s cool,” Connor muttered, he seemed to be blushing, much to Evan’s confusion.

"Connor, I should have called after-”

“No, it’s okay I get why you didn’t.”

“But I should have.”

The fact that Evan had ignored Connor after what happened the last time he had been the Murphy house seven years ago still made him feel guilty, especially after all the negative things he would read about Connor in the media.

 

***FLASHBACK***

_Connor had just returned from his second modelling gig ever, the fourteen year old was spread out on his bed and Evan was lying next to him._

_“Ev?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Do you ever wonder what it might be like to die?”_

_Evan sat up._

_“W-what?”_

_Connor rolled his eyes._

_“Jesus I’m not about to pull a Cindy Walker, relax!”_

_Evan flinched at the mention of the girl in the year above them, Cindy had been taken out of school a few months ago because she had tried to take her own life._

_He glared at his best friend, who had the decency to look a little guilty._

_“Sorry, it’s just sometimes I feel like there’s this cloud that normally stays behind the sun, but then sometimes it blocks all the light out and all I can see is darkness, and in those moments sometimes I wonder, if I let the darkness engulf me? Is that what death would feel like?”_

_Evan looked at Connor in alarm._

_The younger boy seemed to notice that he had unsettled his friend and so quickly plastered on a smile._

_“Did I tell you what Zoe did the other day?” he said hastily._

_“Connor…”_

_“She ate all the cookies in the jar and then blamed it on the cat!”_

_“But you guys don’t have a cat...”_

_“Exactly!” Connor grinned._

_He was laughing now, but something about it seemed to be missing, Evan looked at his friend in concern._

_“Con, are you, you know, okay?” he asked nervously._

_“Of course!” Connor answered, just a little too quickly._

_Evan smiled half heatedly._

_“Well I-” Evan began, about to tell Connor about something he’d missed at school._

_“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Connor blurted out._

_Evan shook his head, it wasn’t unusual for his friend to regularly change the subject mid-way through a sentence, but today the fourteen year old seemed particularly jumpy._

_“Okay well I read this book and it said the first person you kiss should be someone you love, and we love each other because we’re best friends! So, we should kiss!” Connor explained with certainty._

_Before Evan could say anything, Connor sat up and they were on the same level, he took Evan’s face in his hands, and pressed their lips together._

_It wasn’t like it was in the movies, there were no fireworks, the world didn’t fade away or anything like that. Evan was totally aware of Connor’s mouth pressed against his own, and whilst it was by no means unpleasant, it didn’t feel particularly special._

_When he broke away Connor looked mortified._

_“Evan I’m sor-”_

_“I’m leaving!”_

_“Evan please I-”_

_But Evan was already out the door, he could here Connor sobbing but he couldn’t look back. Everything was so confusing. He didn’t bother to say goodbye to Cynthia on his way out, even though she called out to ask what was going on. He just ran all the way home, his mind filled with memories of Connor’s lips._

_Later, when Connor’s mom called his mom to ask if he was okay, he made her say he had felt ill, and when Cynthia had invited Evan over for dinner before Connor left to go to London for some shoot, he had declined._

_For months Connor kept trying but Evan ignored every phone call, every text message, and so eventually he must have given up hope, because Evan’s phone suddenly went quiet._

__

__

_He didn’t even go over when Cynthia phoned Heidi almost a year later, crying and saying that Connor was refusing to get out of bed and just kept staring at the ceiling._

_He also didn’t call when he saw the article saying Connor was gay, after all he hadn’t spoken to his long-lost friend for almost seven years at that point._

***END OF FLASHBACK***

 

Despite what had happened, Connor’s ‘coming out’ had still surprised Evan a little, what had happened in the bedroom had, in his eyes, just been experimenting, and strangely it hadn’t occurred to him that Connor might be gay.

He must have gotten lost in his thoughts because he was brought back to reality by Connor saying something.

“Sorry what was that?” he asked, having gotten distracted by old memories.

“I said I’m really tired,” Connor laughed.

“Oh, did you want me to go?” Evan asked.

“I mean I don’t want to kick you out, it’s just I’m kind of falling asleep every time I close my eyes, plus I haven’t really been well lately.”

Evan frowned, Zoe had told him via text message that Connor wasn’t sick, but, now that he properly looked at the other boy he noticed how pale he was and how there were dark circles under his eyes, that somehow never made it on to the perfectly edited photos of Connor’s face that were plastered over the front covers of magazines.

“Well I should uh, I should be getting home anyway!”

Connor looked at him somewhat fondly, as he scrambled up off the bed.

Before he could go the curly haired boy called out to him.

“Could I maybe get your number?” 

“Su-sure.”

Evan handed over the number and before he could leave again, Connor pulled him into a slightly awkward, but almost desperate hug.

“God, I missed you.”

“Yeah, I missed you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo this chapter ended up being longer than I had anticipated it would be...whoops
> 
> I hope you enjoyed my excessively long rambles about Evan and Connor!
> 
> (Also I binge watched season one of How to get away with Murder at the weekend and I'm obsessed so now it's Connor's favourite show lmao)


	4. CONNOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter:
> 
> -Eating Disorders  
> -Descriptions of Depression/Disassociation  
> -Emotional abuse  
> -Mentions of anxiety  
> -Mentions of Alcohol and Drugs/Hints at alcoholism  
> -Swearing

**[Ohio 12:57am]**

**Connor:** hey man, you free tomorrow?

 **Evan:** Um yeah I should be, uh yeah.

 **Connor:** dude you even stutter when you’re typing wth??

 **Evan:** Oh sorry! I really am free tomorrow! Yep definitely.

 **Connor:** okay well if you’re absolutely sure lmao. do you maybe want to go to a movie or something?

 **Evan:** Sure! 

**Connor:** I’ll pick you up at 1

 **Evan:** Awesome sauce

 **Connor:** evan hansen you are something else 

Connor lay back against his pillows, tossing his phone on to the bed. He couldn’t help but allow a smile to break out over his face when texting Evan. Perhaps it was the fact he was finally getting a holiday, or maybe it really was because his childhood best friend was back in his life, but he couldn’t help but feel truly happy for the first time in a while.

“Connor?” 

He was about to go downstairs to see what Zoe wanted, when his phone buzzed again. Eagerly he reached for it, expecting to find another text from Evan. He was wrong.

 **Carl:** Hey babe, just checking in to see how you were feeling? Love you.

Despite his relationship with the sender of the text, he couldn’t help but feel disappointed. However, he couldn’t work out why he was upset, Carl was his boyfriend after all, he should be happy to receive a text from him

Instead of replying on the spot, Connor decided to ignore the message for now, he placed his phone on the bed side table and went downstairs to find Zoe.

He found her in the kitchen.

“What do you want?” 

The brunette beamed and held up a large bowl of popcorn.

“Harry Potter marathon!”

 

**[Ohio 8:37pm]**

Three films and two packets of popcorn later, Connor was actually feeling somewhat relaxed.

He had messaged Carl back, telling the older man that he was okay and that he loved him too, he was now scrolling though Tumblr, whilst Zoe painted his toenails.

 

**[https://www.tumblr.com/search/connor+murphy]**

**@connormurphyslaw:** Okay so before you read this there is a chance I’m wrong so please don’t take what I’m saying as fact. I think there is a strong possibility that Connor has an eating disorder! Thoughts?

 **@cmemurphee:** @connormurphyslaw WTH NO PLEASE NO

 **@connormurply:** @connormurphyslaw Can I ask why you think that? (love your blog by the way!)

 **@connormurphyslaw:** @connormurply Thanks! I actually have a list of reasons which can be found here **(x)**

 **(x):** 1) His recent weight loss: It’s no secret that Connor Murphy is a slim guy, but recently he’s just been looking really skinny and kind of ill, if you look at photos of him now and compare them to ones of him a few years ago, you will see a clear fluctuation in his weight.

2) He recently fainted at a shoot: Now there is no confirmation that this was because of poor nutrition, but collapsing can often be caused by low blood sugar

3) He avoids questions in interviews about dieting

4) It’s pretty common among models

5) He’s exhibited a bunch of symptoms for other mental health issues, and it’s been confirmed that he has a therapist and is on meds 

6) He-

 

**[Ohio 8:49pm]**

“What are you reading?”

Connor closed the laptop and looked up at his sister.

“Huh?”

“I asked what you were reading”.

“Oh just some fan post about how I’m a much better model than you!”

Thankfully, Zoe just rolled her eyes affectionately, before dropping the subject.

Connor desperately wanted to go back and read the rest of the blog post, but he knew it would look suspicious if he reopened the computer, so instead he left it for the moment.

It was all wrong anyway, he didn’t have an eating disorder, did he?

 

**[Ohio 10:27am]**

When Connor woke up that morning it felt like someone had placed a pile of bricks on his chest and filled his head with fog. The world around him felt distorted, like when you watch a black and white movie and everything seems the same but, at the same time something is clearly different.

He knew he had to get up, but something invisible was strapping him to the bed, and try as he might, he couldn’t find the energy to fight it.

As much as he wanted to just shake the empty feeling off, he simply couldn’t, knowing this he reached for his phone and pulled up Evan’s contact.

 **Connor:** hey, I’m really sorry but I’m going to have to take a rain check on today, I’m not feeling great…

After sending the message, he curled up into a ball and pulled the covers up to his chin, nuzzling his face into his quilt, as if somehow the warmth could take away the cold feeling in his chest.

Yesterday, when he had informed his family that he would be spending the day with Evan, they had seemed thrilled. Not only because it would allow them to focus exclusively on Zoe for the day but, also because he didn’t exactly have many friends. They had explained that they would all be leaving early, and so Connor would wake up to an empty house, something he usually didn’t mind.

Of course now he wished that there was someone else in the house, as it’s emptiness only amplified the lonely feeling he got whenever he was depressed. He considered texting Zoe, asking if she could come home, but it was so rare that either of them got their parents all to themselves and so he didn’t want to take that away from her.

His phone buzzed.

 **Evan:** That’s okay, do you have someone there to take care of you?

 **Connor:** nope it’s just little old me

 **Evan:** I’ll be there in half an hour!

Connor stared at the phone.

 **Evan:** Sorry! That was super presumptuous, you probably just want to be alone right now, hope you feel better!

 **Connor:** actually some company would be great…

 **Evan:** Oh okay cool. See you soon then :) 

Connor sighed, what was he thinking inviting Evan over? He was a mess right now and he shouldn’t subject Evan to all his shit, the other boy would probably hate him and then he’d lose his only friend all over again!

Thirty minutes later he was still in the midst of his own negative thoughts, when there was a nervous knock at the door, the clock on the wall told him that almost half an hour had passed, so it had to be Evan.

He rolled out of bed and grabbed a sweatshirt, pulling it over his head as he made his way to the front door.

When he opened the door Evan gasped.

“You look awful!”

“Gee thanks!”

“Oh my god I’m so sorry!”

“It’s fine, just… come in”.

Evan hurried after Connor, who made his way into the living room and crashed on to the couch.

“So you’re sick then?” Evan asked tentatively.

Connor simply shrugged, not having the energy to give a verbal response.

“You know, I have bad days sometimes too, it’s okay”.

This caught Connor’s attention, he glanced at Evan.

“You have anxiety right?”

“That obvious huh?”

Connor snorted.

“So I watched a couple more episodes of How to get away with Murder.”

Connor watched as Evan sat down in one of the arm chairs.

This wasn’t right, Evan was treating him like he was a normal person, nobody, other than maybe Lola, treated him like this on a shit day, and yet here Hansen was, trying to initiate an ordinary conversation.

“Did you want to maybe watch some more?” Connor asked nervously.

“S-sure!”

Connor looked over to where the remote control was sat on the coffee table, reaching it would involve having to get up, so he mentally started to prepare himself for the task. Before he could do so however, Evan grabbed the controller and handed it to him with a small smile.

He nodded slightly to show his thanks, before setting up Netflix and clicking on episode five.

Maybe having Hansen around would be okay after all.

\---

Connor watched as Evan laughed at something the character of Asher had said, he couldn’t help but notice the way the other boys eyes crinkled, or the way he ducked his head and blushed, as if somehow he was embarrassed about finding the show amusing.

Before he could make any further observations, his private thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. 

Evan jolted at the noise, and the relaxed smile fell from his face.

Connor silently cursed whoever had rung the bell, before standing up and going to answer the door. He prayed that whoever it was wouldn’t take up too much of his time because he really wanted to just get back to Evan.

He opened the door, fully prepared to tell the person on the other end of it to kindly fuck off.

“Hey sorry I-”

“Hey babe!”

“C-Carl?”

It was like someone had suddenly gathered up all the pain he’d felt when he woke up, doubled it and shoved it back down his throat with their bare hands. He loathed surprises, they made his paranoia so much worse, and yet here was his boyfriend, someone who should know all of his triggers by now, turning up out of the blue.

“Now is that anyway to greet your boyfriend?”

Connor looked down at the floor, deliberately avoiding eye contact as Carl pressed his lips against his own.

“You okay Con?” 

Carl’s voice was dripping with concern.

“Yeah I’m just having a kind of low day…” 

He was always slightly embarrassed talking about his mental health in front of his boyfriend, he didn’t really know why, considering Carl had seen him at his worst. However, something about the way his manager looked at him when he couldn’t get out of bed, or stayed quiet sometimes when he was having a manic or paranoid episode, told Connor that the other man had never quite understood him.

“What’s going on?”

Connor looked around to see Evan, whose head was poking out of the doorway leading to the living room.

“This is my boyfriend,” Connor mumbled.

Carl grinned and waved.

“Hi there!”

“Oh, um, hi, Connor didn’t mention um, that you were, err, coming”.

“It was a surprise,” Connor whispered, turning back to look at his boyfriend, who was still smiling.

“Come on Con are you going to invite me in or not?”

Connor moved out of the way to let Carl into the house.

His boyfriend had always been good at making himself at home, a quality that Connor, who sometimes took years just to warm up to a new environment, had always been envious of. He watched as Carl dumped his bags by the front door and made his way into the kitchen, where he grabbed a beer from the fridge.

“Do you guys want one?” he asked, his voice friendly and light.

“You know I can’t drink on my meds,” Connor muttered.

“Oh right yeah sorry babe, how about you?” he asked, looking at Evan. “Sorry Connor never introduced you?”

“I’m Evan and I actually don’t drink either”.

“No worries dude,” Carl smiled, taking a swig of the alcoholic beverage.

Connor stared as a cold drop of condensation rolled down the cool glass bottle, a couple of years ago he would have accepted the offer of a drink, regardless of what medication he was on. In truth he could probably have a couple of drinks without causing any damage to himself, but using medication as an excuse was easier than trying to explain that, for him, having one drink essentially meant having ten. His therapist had suggested that he try to avoid situations involving drugs or alcohol, in order to avoid triggers. Of course Carl had disagreed with this, he explained that Connor would have to become comfortable around substances like alcohol, because otherwise he’d never be able to handle social situations.

Which is why, despite Connor’s request, Carl continued to drink regularly around his boyfriend.

“So, Evan, how do you know my beautiful boyfriend here?”

“Childhood friends,” Connor replied, jumping in before Evan could.

“Wait you’re _the_ Evan? Dude Connor never used to shut up about you!”

Connor watched the blush spread over Evan’s cheek.

“Carl don’t,” he said quietly.

“What? Am I not allowed to talk to your _childhood_ best friend?”

Connor felt like someone had wrapped cling film around his brain. This was a familiar sensation whenever Carl was around, almost as if his boyfriend was some sort of trigger. But no! That couldn’t be right! He loved Carl, he needed Carl! There was no correlation between his foggy mind and his boyfriends presence, Connor had been feeling bad all day. 

Except maybe for when Evan was here. Evan who had actually made him feel better on one of his dark days, not that the other boy had actually made all his shit just go away, but his company alone had been like a small flicker of joy.

“Of course you can talk to him”.

“Okay I will,” Carl chuckled.

“So Evan what do you like?”

“Trees and plants. I’m actually a florist, well not necessarily an official one, but I do work in a flower shop, my manager runs it. Wait, sorry that’s stupid, he’s my manager of course he runs it I-”

“Woah dude slow down!”

“Oh, sorry,” Evan said quietly, looking down at his feet and fiddling with the bottom of his polo shirt.

Connor growled.

“You asked him about himself Carl, all he did was answer the question!”

“Woah Con calm down, no need to have a freak out”.

Connor winced.

“Look Evan I didn’t mean to be rude, it was great meeting you and all but, I actually need to talk to Connor about something so…”

“You can’t kick my guests out of my own house!”

“Okay, well could we maybe just talk in private?”

Connor glanced at Evan, the other boy looked slightly terrified.

“Ev why don’t you go finish the episode of How to get away with Murder? I’ll be there in a bit,” he said quietly.

“Are you sure?”

Evan was looking at him, Connor could detect the worry in his friend’s eyes.

“Yeah, I’ve seen every episode like twenty times”.

“Oh okay then”.

Evan left the room looking dejected, leaving Connor and Carl alone.

“Connor you shouldn’t make everyone you meet watch that dumb show,” Carl chuckled.

“Why are you here?”

Carl sighed.

“You have a shoot tomorrow”.

“What? I thought I had the next week off?” Connor asked, his voice starting to rise.

Carl rubbed his arm slowly, before placing his hand on the back of Connor’s neck.

“I know baby, I tried to get you out of it, but it’s a really great opportunity!”

Connor closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Carl’s.

“Fine”.

Carl pulled away, grinning.

“Thanks Con, try not to eat too many sweets before now and tomorrow,” he winked. “I know how much you like to binge on vacation!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm backkkkk!!! I really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, sorry it's not as long as the last one, but school is pretty hectic at the moment! I love writing this though, so I really hope it's enjoyable to read!?
> 
> Out of curiosity who are your favourite characters in DEH? Mine are probably Zoe and Connor :)


	5. EVAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> -Brief mentions of emotional abuse  
> -Lies about eating (Eating disorders)  
> -Swearing  
> -Low moods
> 
> (Please let me know if there is anything else that could be potentially triggering in the comments)

**[Ohio 10:57am]**

It had been three days since Evan had last seen Connor. After the infamous Carl had arrived the other day, the atmosphere had become slightly awkward and a little tense, Connor had stopped making jokes and in general he had just seemed unhappier. Something about Carl unsettled Evan, despite the other man’s overly friendly exterior, the man had an edge, one that most people probably wouldn’t notice. However, Evan had spent his entire life analysing those around him and therefore could spot it a mile off.

As he arranged a wedding bouquet of sunflowers, he couldn’t help but notice the way his thoughts kept drifting back to a certain model. It seemed all he could think about was what Connor would look like in yellow. He let out a small snigger, as it dawned on him that if he so desired he could potentially just google ‘Connor Murphy yellow’ and thousands of real images would replace those in his head.

His daydreaming must have rendered him completely distracted, because the next thing he knew his thoughts were being interrupted by Jared.

“I’m not paying you to sit around and look pretty flower child!”

Evan jumped, nearly dropping the arrangement of flowers in front of him as he looked up.

“S-sorry what?”

“I asked why you were so out of it today?”

“O-oh, n-no reason…”

“Righttt, so it’s got nothing to do with a certain model slash childhood bestie who recently came back into your life,” Jared teased, raising an eyebrow suggestively.

Evan let out a deep sigh, he was already starting to regret telling Jared about Connor. As most things did though, it had slipped out. Jared had been asking why Evan had ignored his texts a couple of days ago. Evan explained that he’d been at a friend’s, something that Jared had immediately questioned. Largely because other than Jared and maybe his mom, Evan didn’t exactly have many friends. He had jumped to the conclusion that Evan had joined a tree cult and wouldn’t let the idea go until Evan told him the truth.

Jared had promptly started begging to meet Connor, having always had something of an affinity for celebrities. He ignored Evan when he pointed out that Jared had known Connor at school, arguing that it wasn’t the same, Murphy was _famous_ now. 

“If you let me meet him maybe I’d be able to justify you getting so besotted! After all, if he’s as handsome as he looks in those perfume adverts I can understand-”

“Oh would you shut up Jared!”

The shorter boy threw his hands up in the air in defeat.

“Alright! Alright!”

Evan rolled his eyes and was about to return to his work when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. 

He fumbled with the device in his haste to get it out, attempting to hide the smug look on his face when he saw who the message was from.

 **Connor:** hey man, you free later today? 

No time was wasted before typing out a response.

 **Evan:** My shift ends at 12, what did you have in mind?

 **Connor:** idek, maybe we could get coffee or some shit like that?

An idea popped into Evan’s mind, he had a suggestion, but he didn’t want to be too forward. He deliberated for a moment before replying.

 **Evan:** Sounds good, there’s a pretty cool café in the park near my work if you maybe wanted to go for a walk and then get food or coffee?

 **Connor:** text me the address and I’ll pick you up :)

No amount of make-up could have concealed the blush that spread over his cheeks at the thought of spending the day with Connor. Nor could he prevent his heat from fluttering inside his chest. It was as if Connor had cast an enchantment over him, one that left him powerless. An outsider might just say that Evan fancied Connor and leave it at that, but it wasn’t like that. Sure, Connor was attractive but primarily all Evan wanted was to get to know him.

The hour before Connor was due to arrive went by at a painfully slow speed, so when at last the little blue clock on the back wall struck 12, Evan couldn’t get his apron off fast enough. He yanked at the knot as if it was the sole thing keeping him trapped in the room and when it finally came loose, he sprinted outside, only just remembering to grab his coat and say goodbye to Jared.

The cold air hit him straight in the face as he hurried outside, nipping at his cheeks and turning them pink. He fastened the coat he was wearing and ignored the weather. The street around him was empty, Connor nowhere in sight. A horrible thought occurred to him, had Connor had changed his mind? Had he abandoned Evan?

Anxiety began to fill his chest and he tried to take a deep calming breath of oxygen. Connor was only a few minutes late but when the black pickup truck swung around the corner, Evan was almost convinced that he’d been ditched.

The panic in his chest subsided, Connor was here.

Evan smiled in relief, before waving and clambering into the passenger seat. 

“You good?” 

Evan nodded, waiting for Connor to start driving but, the other boy made no move to do so. Evan glanced in his direction.

Connor chuckled.

“I’ll need some directions Hansen.”

“Oh, right, yeah sorry, it’s down this road and then turn left,” Evan mumbled, feeling his face turn red with embarrassment.

“Yeah sorry, normally I’d use my psychic direction powers but they’re playing up today.”

Evan looked at him blankly.

“It was a joke Ev…”

“Oh right! Of course! Sorry!”

“God please don’t spend the whole day apologising,” Connor laughed.

Ordinarily when someone berated him for apologising too much Evan felt awkward and would often go silent, but with Connor it was different. His voice was jokey, not accusing, as if somehow, he understood Evan’s need to say sorry on a regular basis. So instead of going mute, Evan joined in with the laughter.

He continued to give Connor directions and they began the short journey, Connor was telling some dumb story about something Zoe had done earlier, meaning Evan didn’t really have to talk. Something he was secretly thankful for, as it gave him time to shoot several, slightly prolonged, glances at Connor.

His hair was down and had clearly been recently washed because it was a little fluffy and curly, the long strands were tucked behind his ears, leaving the majority of his face exposed. In all the professional photos he had taken, Connor’s skin always looked flawless, the power of concealer and photoshop, but up-close Evan could see some small blemishes. Connor had a small scar on the right side of his forehead near his hairline, and there were a few small spots by his nose. Some people might have viewed these things as imperfections, Evan on the other hand just found them comforting, as if somehow, they made Connor a little more human.

Another thing that reassured him was Connor’s choice of clothing, it was casual, making Evan feel more relaxed about his blue jeans and polo shirt. Connor had opted for a simple baggy grey jumper, that hung loose on his slender frame, along with black skinny jeans and combat boots. He also wore a navy pea coat, given the cold weather. In fact, the only particularly interesting part of the outfit was the woollen scarf wrapped around Connor’s neck, it was red and contrasted with the rest of his monotonous clothes.

Connor had obviously noticed Evan looking at the garment because he coughed quietly before speaking. 

“My mom made it, I get kind of cold,” he mumbled.

“It’s nice,” Evan assured him.

“You can tell it’s homemade, right?”

Evan nodded with apprehension.

“I guess it’s nice to take it with me when I go around the world, reminds me of home, you know?”

Once again Evan nodded, despite having barely left the state he lived in, let alone travel to another country.

Connor’s eyes glazed over slightly, as he absentmindedly brushed his fingers lightly across the scarf.

The small movement dislodged the wool ever so slightly, exposing a dark bruise on Connor’s pale neck.

Evan couldn’t help but let out a short gasp, causing Connor to look at him with concern.

“What the fuck?”

Connor must have realised what Evan had seen, because he quickly readjusted the scarf, covering up the mark.

“Um it’s a hickey…”

“Connor that’s not-”

“Fucking drop it okay!”

Evan gave a small whimper and looked down at his lap.

Connor took a deep breath in and out.

“Sorry it’s just Carl likes to leave a mark during um, well you know…”

Evan looked up tentatively and couldn’t help but giggle.

Connor was blushing and avoiding eye contact.

“During what?” Evan asked innocently.

“Oh piss off Hansen,” Connor muttered, as he pulled into a car park.

Evan looked around in surprise, he’d been so distracted by the conversation that he hadn’t realised they’d arrived.

“So, do you want to walk first or go to the café?”

Evan’s stomach growled, causing Connor to snort.

“Well I guess that answers that question!”

“Sorry, I didn’t eat breakfast this morning,” Evan chuckled.

The two friends made their way to a small tea room.

Once inside Connor insisted upon paying for Evan’s sandwich, drink and cake, despite only ordering a coffee for himself.

“I had a big breakfast,” he mumbled, when Evan looked at him for an explanation.

The pair sat at a table by the window, away from the rest of the tables.

Connor drank his coffee and listened patiently as Evan rambled on about what it was like to work with Jared.

“He’s desperate to meet you,” Evan laughed.

Connor’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“We’ve met before though, I mean we went to elementary school together?”

“Yeah but he wants to meet the famous you,” Evan replied, rolling his eyes as he did so.

“Ah right of course.”

Evan was going to say something else, but was beaten to it by a random young teenage girl, who appeared to have come out of nowhere.

“I-I’m really sorry, I-I didn’t want to interrupt, but are you Connor Murphy?” 

Evan tensed, he had no idea how Connor would react to the stranger, what if he turned into the person Zoe had warned him about. What would he do if the celebrity started flipping tables? He almost wanted to warn the poor blond girl to stand back.

It turned out no such warning was necessary, Connor just grinned.

“Yeah, I am,” he said kindly, continuing to smile.

“Oh my god, I love you so much!”

“Haha thanks!”

In amazement, Evan watched Connor make cheerful small talk with the blond, asking what her name was and her age. He even asked what she wanted to be when she was older. Then he stood up and took a selfie with her, giving her a hug afterwards. Evan assumed that would be the end of the encounter, but the next thing he knew Connor had fished a pen out of his coat pocket and was writing on a napkin. The girl squealed as she read the words and so Evan leant over himself, curious to see what was being written. In neat, small handwriting Connor had written the following:

_Dear Lizzie,_

_I look forward to bringing any of my pets in for treatment when you make it as a vet (which you totally will!)_

_Please never stop smiling!_

_Sincerely me,_

_Connor Murphy_

Connor then handed the paper to Lizzie and gave her one final hug before watching her hurry away.

Once she was out of ear shot he turned back around and sank into his chair. The change in his demeaner was immediate. Gone were the broad smile and warm eyes. Connor looked as if something had sucked all the energy out of him, leaving him completely drained.

“You okay?” Evan asked in concern.

Connor nodded and rubbed his eyes as if nursing a headache.

“Yeah it just takes it out of me sometimes, meeting people, maybe it’s the exaggerated happiness,” he joked.

“You were happy before that happened though,” Evan replied, slightly confused, but wanting to understand.

“Yeah, I don’t know I think it’s just the falseness of it all, I don’t really understand it all I guess.”

It was obvious that Connor wanted to drop the subject here, he had wrapped his arms around himself protectively and appeared to be scanning the room, anxiously searching for any other fans.

“Well I’m pretty much done now; do you want to go for a walk?”

Connor looked gratefully at Evan, before glancing down at the half-eaten brownie on his plate.

“Aren’t you going to eat that?”

Evan shook his head.

“Nah I’m full, do you want it?”

Connor hesitated for a moment, staring at the cake, before shaking his head.

“Nah I’m good, let’s go for that walk.”

\---

All his life Evan had adored walking, he could spend days hiking up and down hills, breathing on the fresh air, but after two hours had passed he could tell Connor didn’t share his enthusiasm for the activity. The model’s energy was clearly dwindling, he was shivering, despite his coat and scarf and his feet dragged as they walked across the grass.

“Are you err, are you cold?”

Connor bit his lip, clearly debating about whether to answer truthfully.

“Yeah a little…”

“We could head back?” Evan suggested, adding that he too was tired.

Connor looked relieved and agreed fervently.

They made their way back to the parking lot. 

On the way home Connor continued to shiver, despite turning the heating up in the car and keeping his coat and scarf on. Evan was starting to worry, more so than usual. 

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked, attempting to sound somewhat calm.

“I’m just tired.”

Evan frowned. “But I thought the whole point of a holiday was to relax?”

Connor grunted. “Yeah well it’s hard to relax when your boyfriend turns up out of nowhere and makes you do two days’ worth of shoots,” he snapped.

“But you’re supposed to be on a break!” 

Evan was starting to feel annoyed himself, Connor was clearly exhausted and needed rest. Before he could speak up however, Connor changed the subject.

“Do you want to come back to mine?”

Evan nodded uncertainly, deciding to try and come back to the topic of proper vacations later.

They sat in silence for the rest of the journey, listening to the radio and occasionally humming along to any familiar songs.

Before Evan knew it, they were walking through the front door of the Murphy residence. Connor chucked his keys into a small ceramic bowl on the side, before walking towards the kitchen.

“Babe is that you?”

 _Oh great_ Evan thought to himself bitterly, Carl’s here.

He watched as Carl wrapped an arm around Connor’s waist and pulled the long-haired boy in for a kiss. Connor tensed at the older man’s touch, but deepened the kiss nonetheless.

Evan wanted to cough, to do anything really that might cause the other occupants of the room to stop snogging. Fortunately, Zoe chose that moment to enter the room.

“Jesus, you two, get a room!” 

Carl broke away from Connor and smirked at Zoe.

“I believe we’re in a room Zo,” he laughed.

Zoe joined in with the laughter.

She playfully hit Carl on the arm, before walking towards the fridge and grabbing a drink. It was obvious that she liked and approved of Carl. Evan couldn’t understand it, from where he was standing it was obvious that Carl made Connor uncomfortable.

Over the course of the evening though, it became apparent as to precisely why Zoe didn’t share Evan’s hatred of the manager. Carl was utterly charming in front of her. He held Connor’s hand, agreed with her when she said her brother should eat more and he even looked deeply concerned when Evan asked if Connor was feeling better.

“Why were you so cold love?” he asked, rubbing small circles into Connor’s back.

Connor, who was sat on Carl’s lap in an armchair, shrugged and nuzzled his head further into his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“You had lunch, right?” Zoe asked, in a deliberately casual manner.

Connor lied and nodded.

Evan bit his lip. He knew Connor wasn’t telling the truth. A part of him wanted to ask if Connor had really had a big breakfast that morning but, he also wanted his friend to trust him. Connor looked at him with pleading eyes. He stayed quiet.

He’d talk to Connor about it later during the ride home, when they were alone and there were no stupid boyfriends in the way.

Speaking of going home, one glance at the clock told him he should probably be making a move soon, his mom had asked him to get home for dinner.

“Uh not to be rude, but do you think maybe you could uh, maybe give a ride home?”

He was clearly addressing Connor, who nodded and began get up. Unfortunately, a certain _someone_ felt the need to interject.

“Are you sure you should be going back out? I don’t want you catching a chill Con.”

Evan very nearly growled.

Connor opened his mouth to reply but Zoe beat him to it.

“I’ll take you Evan!”

Evan glanced at Connor, who had slumped back down against Carl, clearly there were no further arguments to be made.

“Oh, great thanks…”

Half an hour later Zoe had pulled up in front of Evan’s house, it was obvious that she was waiting for him to get out, but first he wanted to say something.

“Zoe can I ask you something?”

“Yeah sure,” she smiled.

“Do you uh, do you think Connor is happy with Carl?” he blurted out.

Zoe chuckled.

“I mean yeah I think so, why?.”

Evan bit his lip.

“It’s just he always seems kind of low around him…”

Zoe let out a small sigh.

“That’s just Connor.”

Evan wanted to protest, to say that Connor had been happy earlier when it was just the two of them, but instead he just thanked Zoe for the ride and made his way out of the car.

Maybe Zoe was right, maybe Connor was happy with Carl.

Maybe Evan was just jealous that he wasn’t the one who made Connor happy like Carl apparently did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH I'm back!!! Sorry this update has taken so long! I've been really busy with school and uni applications lmao. ALSO I GOT MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND!
> 
> In other news all your anti-Carl comments are my new favourite thing! Some of them are actually making me laugh out loud! So please keep those coming!
> 
> Just a quick question, do the characters in this story seem at all out of character? I'm just a little curious and I really don't want to get them wrong...
> 
> Anyway thanks so much for reading! I love you all!


	6. CONNOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> -Dubious consent  
> -Past references to sibling abuse  
> -Borderline physical abuse  
> -Verbal/Emotional abuse  
> -Eating disorders  
> -Discussions of weight  
> -Connor shouting at Zoe  
> -Disassociation  
> -Discussions/descriptions of BPD and its symptoms
> 
> Let me know if you find anything else in the chapter or any other parts of the story triggering and I'll add warnings!

**[https://www.tumblr.com/search/connor+murphy]**

**@goforzomurphy2:** Okay guys you aren't going to believe this!! Basically, yesterday I was in the coffee shop at the park near where I live, and I'm just sat there enjoying my orange juice (don't judge me I don't like hot drinks lmao) and I saw this guy who looked so much like Connor and, so I chuckled to myself and went back to my drink. BUT THEN I REALISED SOMETHING it was him! So, I'm panicking to the max at this point like omg wtf do I do?? 

I knew I'd regret it if I did nothing, so I got up and walked over there, I was kind of nervous about interrupting his private life, but he was with a friend and he looked like he was in a good mood. 

First, I checked it was him, and he said it was so I'm like okay lol I just died inside!!! And then I was like lost for words but guys he. was. so. nice. He asked me questions and took a selfie and gave me a hug!!!! SO, at that point I thought it was over, but no! He whipped a pen out and starts writing out a note! I'll attach the photos, so you guys can see it but oh lord it was soooooo cuteeeee. 

BASICALLY CONNOR MURPHY IS A BLESSING TO THIS WORLD AND CAN DO NO WRONG I LOVE HIM

_#lowkey disappointed carl wasn't there because i ship them so hard tbh #but i saw on his snapchat he's still at connors #anyway my life is complete_

**@hateonkate:** @goforzomurphy2 I. AM. BEYOND. JEALOUS

 **@merphylover:** @goforzomurphy2 How do you find connor murphy? I can barely find my will to live?

 **@urnotamurphy:** @goforzomurphy2 jjshssjshshsjsh imagine if carl had been there too and if they had kissed I'd have dieeedddddd 

**@zoesmurphy:** @urnotamurphy um, sexualising ya gays much lmao

 **@urnotamurphy:** @zoesmurphy Fuck You

 

**[Ohio 7:19pm]**

Connor's relationship with Tumblr was very much a love/hate one, on the one hand seeing all the nice posts about him was a real self-esteem booster! However, it wasn't the lengthy text posts about how beautiful or sweet he was that clung to his mind like leeches. It was the ones that made him feel guilty.

A few years back, when he'd been in an awful place both mentally and emotionally, a video had been captured of him screaming at Zoe, round the back of a venue. A fan had posted the video on Tumblr and for months it felt like everyone on the website completely despised him. The worst part was he had known that what they' were all saying was true, he was a monster. Fortunately, years of therapy had helped both he and his sister work through their problems, being diagnosed with BPD officially had been enormously helpful. Suddenly his fits of seemingly random rage and episodes of paranoia could be explained, not that his treatment of his family or those around him could be excused but, it was comforting for everyone involved to be able to understand why he was the way he was. At least that's what Zoe had told him the night after he'd been officially labelled with the disorder. She must have heard him crying alone in his room because the next thing he knew she was right there next to him, hugging him for the first time in almost two years.

Of course, when all the gay stuff had come out, Tumblr was there to welcome him back with open arms, all past accusations seemingly forgot. All of a sudden, he was a hero amongst Kings! He'd long lost count of all the edits he'd seen of his face surrounded by pride flags. Don't get him wrong, there was something nice about the knowledge that somehow, he'd helped other kids come to terms with their sexuality, it's just that all he ever did was talk about being gay in interviews that he was forced to do. Even then it's not as if he was speaking out about major issues, he just told an exaggerated story of how he'd come out to his family (in reality, of course, they had found out in the same way as the rest of the world). Connor could list off hundreds of more inspirational gay icons than himself, people who went to schools, or who raised money for charity. All he did was occasionally pose for photos in rainbow jumpers and sit there with a rainbow emoji in his Twitter bio because Carl had put it there.

However, neither of these things were what confused him most about the social media website. The thing that utterly puzzled him was the fascination that it's users had with his boyfriend. Sure, Carl was handsome, if he really wanted to he could probably be a model himself, but he wasn't a celebrity like Connor or Zoe. The only time the other man was photographed was when he appeared out in public with Connor and even then, the focus wasn't on him. Yet people adored him! Of course, Carl relished in the attention, he was constantly replying to fans on Twitter or Instagram, sometimes telling them very personal things, mostly about Connor of course. He also kept them regularly updated via snapchat stories, something that Connor was secretly a little grateful for because it meant he didn't have to do it himself, although it was a little irksome when Carl shoved a camera in his face because there was a new filter Connor _‘simply had to try'_. Maybe Connor wouldn't find people's captivation with his boyfriend so irritating if they didn't paint the older man as some sort of perfect saint who could do no wrong. Whilst Connor loved Carl, he knew the other man made mistakes, same as anyone and so calling him flawless was just wrong!

God, what kind of horrible boyfriend had thoughts like that?

He imagined what Evan would think if he knew Connor thought cruel things about a man he was supposed to love. His friend would probably get mad, yell at Connor for not appreciating Carl. Unfortunately, thinking about Evan only made him feel worse, what was he thinking dragging his innocent old friend back into his life? Evan deserved normal friends, people who didn't scream sometimes for no reason at all, or who could eat before taking a photo without wanting to throw up, or who can drink without relapsing into a drug problem, or who-

His stream of consciousness was abruptly interrupted by the door to the living room being swung open, Carl, who had gone upstairs to take a work call shortly after Evan and Zoe left, had returned.

"Hey, gorgeous."

The older man was practically purring.

Connor attempted to smile, knowing it probably made him look even more pathetic than he already did.

"Is Zoe back yet?"

Connor shook his head, Carl smirked.

"Excellent," he growled, walking swiftly across the room and sitting down next to Connor, before pulling the lighter man on to his lap.

Connor was pretty much straddling Carl, as the other man pressed rough kisses against his neck.

He whimpered as the twenty-seven-year-old bit his pale skin.

"You like that baby?"

Connor desperately wanted to pull away, but he had learned first-hand that it was better not to interrupt his boyfriend during moments like this.

"S-sure."

For some reason, Carl took Connor's hesitancy as encouragement, biting down on an already bruised section of the model's neck.

Tears formed in Connor's eyes and he closed them, grinding his teeth in a desperate attempt to keep them from falling. Carl hated when he cried during make-out sessions or sex.

All he could do was sit there and pray that either Zoe or his parents would be home soon, giving him a justified reason to escape.

By some stroke of luck, he heard the front door opening and Cynthia's voice rang out throughout the house.

"Kids we're home!"

It took all of Connor's restraint not to cry out in delight. He gently pulled away, placing a chaste kiss against Carl's swollen lips as he hurried into the hallway to greet his mom and dad.

"Good heavens honey, what's happened to your neck?" Cynthia exclaimed, looking at Connor in dismay.

He blushed as Larry rolled his eyes.

"Really son? Don't you have any good old-fashioned self-respect?" 

Connor looked at the ground, his father's tone was teasing but he couldn't help but feel hurt. It's not as if he asked to be practically branded after all.

"Where's Zoe?" Cynthia asked lightly, sensing Connor's discomfort.

As if on cue the front door opened once again, and the youngest Murphy entered the house.

"Sorry I'm late, the traffic was an absolute nightmare on the way back! What are we doing for dinner?"

Carl chose this moment to stick his head around the living room doorway.

"Shall we get take out?" he suggested.

"Oh, hello Carl dear! I think take out sounds great!" Cynthia exclaimed. "What do you fancy Connor sweetie?"

He shrugged.

"I don't give a fuck to be honest."

"Connor!" his parents exclaimed in unison.

He muttered something of an apology, before looking back down at the ground whilst everyone around him settled on what to order for dinner. He was pretty sure they had settled on Chinese by the time he looked back up.

After placing an order, or rather nodding whilst Carl spoke on his behalf, Connor returned to the living room, accompanied by his sister and boyfriend. His parents, on the other hand, went upstairs to get changed, having spent the day out.

This was the moment when it all started to go wrong.

For reasons unbeknownst to Connor, Carl decided it would entertaining to read aloud an article comparing the Murphy siblings.

"Number six, Zoe is clearly more beautiful," he chuckled. "I think this person might be a fan of yours Zo, that's the fifth one in your favour!"

The youngest Murphy sibling chuckled.

"Maybe I just am a better model," she teased.

Connor picked at a loose thread on the pillow he was holding against his stomach. The rational part of his brain knew the article was a joke, something silly written by one of his sister's fans. At the same time though he couldn't help but feel like someone had sat down and purposely listed all the things he hated about himself in comparison to his sister. 

"I think that's enough," he said quietly.

Zoe shot him a sympathetic look, Carl didn't seem to hear him.

"Okay, this one's true, Zoe is skinnier!"

Connor felt his body go tense.

Zoe must have noticed the shift in his body language because she suddenly looked nervous.

"Carl, I think you should stop now…"

"Oh, come on Zo, it's just a joke, Connor knows that, right love?"

He wanted to burst into tears.

Instead, he let out a small noise, before coughing and wiping furiously at his eyes. When had they become so wet?

"Yeah, yeah sure of course."

"Con I-"

"Drop it, Zoe," he snapped.

The doorbell rang, breaking the silence that had fallen upon the room.

"That'll be the food," Zoe said quietly.

Connor felt like someone had shoved his head underwater, his mind was foggy and whilst he could see his limbs, he couldn't feel them, making him doubtful about whether they were really attached to his body. He could faintly hear his mother answering the door.

"Connor, are you coming?" 

A part of him vaguely registered his sister's words and he was fairly sure he had responded by shaking his head.

"You have to eat Connor." 

Again, he shook his head, no. 

There was something hot bubbling in his stomach, and he knew that if she pushed just a little further, he'd explode and the fire within him would come out to play. He wanted to warn her but, he'd already lost control.

"I'm not hungry," he said through gritted teeth, as if somehow by clamping them together he would be able to prevent the inevitable anger that was threatening to show its ugly head.

"Connor that article was just a joke…"

"Fuck you!"

"Connor-"

"You just want me to get fat so that people only care about you huh?"

"Connor please!"

Something within him registered the distress in his sister's voice and acknowledged that his parents had cautiously entered the room. This was the moment to stop, he tried to focus on his breathing.

He was too far gone.

"That's right you're just jealous! Nobody wants to look at you! They only care about me!"

Zoe was definitely crying now.

Connor knew that if he stayed in the room any longer he would go too far. 

The sound of his sister's sobbing started to break through the wall he'd put up.

He blinked.

"I-I'm sorry," he croaked, before fleeing the room, barely escaping before tears of his own began to roll down his face. He sprinted up the stairs, throwing his bedroom door open and collapsing on to the bed.

God, he was such a fuck up!

The beginnings of a migraine started to set in, he closed his eyes. For a moment he considered texting Evan, telling him what had happened. No. Evan didn't deserve this.

There was a small knock at the door, followed by the sound of someone entering the room.

Please let it be his mom, or at least his dad.

It was neither.

He knew exactly who it was as he felt the bed beside him creek, and warm, strong arms embraced him. He pressed his face against Carl's chest, allowing his body to shake and tears to stream down his face.

Carl rubbed his back soothingly with one hand, whilst stroking his hair with the other, twisting the longs strands around his fingers. The comforting movement reminded Connor of what their relationship had been like years ago when they had first gotten together. Back when Connor had gone completely off the rails and was having breakdowns on a regular basis. Carl had been there for him in a time where very few had, perhaps that was why he felt so obligated to stay with the older man?

"Sshh baby it's okay."

Connor choked on his own tears.

"I'm a horrible person," he sobbed.

Instead of contradicting him, Carl just continued to rock him back and too like a small child.

Connor curled up in a foetal position, allowing Carl to hold him until he finally fell asleep.

 

**[Ohio 7:56am]**

The next morning Connor awoke feeling heavy, his eyes were filled with sleep and he had to blink to get rid of the remnants of tears from the night before.

The space next to him was empty, Carl nowhere to be seen. One glance at the clock told Connor that the other man was probably out for his regularly scheduled daily run. Knowing that his boyfriend would probably be back soon, he decided to take the opportunity to shower alone for once. Not that he didn't enjoy steamy showers with Carl, it's just the bruises on his neck were sore enough as it was.

The hot water felt incredible against his skin, Connor only wished it had the power to wash away more than just germs and dirt. He wondered what it would feel like if it could cleanse his mind, in the same way, it could his body.

As he rubbed soap against his skin, he couldn't help but pull at the layers of fat that covered his body, mounds of excess skin that made his stomach stick out a bit too much or that made his thighs jiggle when he walked.

Suddenly, the water didn't feel so good, touching his own skin made him feel grotesque and it dawned on him how exposed he felt standing there completely naked.

He hastily turned the faucet off and jumped out, grabbing a towel and swiftly drying himself off. Once he was completely dry, he pulled on a pair of sweatpants, a long sleeved top and one of Carl's thick jumpers, deliberately selecting clothes that hid his figure.

He climbed back into bed, pulling the blankets over his body and burying his nose in the jumper, it smelt of Carl's cologne and despite his better judgement he couldn't help but find the scent comforting. Gradually, he allowed himself to close his eyes and drift back off to sleep.

The next time he awoke, it was to the smell of sweat and the feel of a hot body against his own.

He let out a small moan as Carl ran a hand up his chest and under his shirt.

"You feeling better Connie?"

"Yeah, I guess…"

"What's up?"

Connor sighed. Sometimes he wished he had someone who he didn't have to constantly explain himself to, someone who just understood him. 

Thinking like this reminded him of the conversation he'd had with Evan last week. The other boy had treated him normally, even though he was clearly having a bad day. Reluctantly, he pushed aside thoughts of the brown-haired boy and tried to focus on the person he was actually in a relationship with. 

"I don't know, I just don't feel that great at the moment…"

"Because of your weight?"

Connor shifted uncomfortably, that wasn't the only reason, but in Carl's defence, it was one of them.

"What's wrong with my weight?" he asked, trying to sound stubborn.

"Honey I'm not being critical, I just know you! And I know you hate it when you get over a certain number."

Connor sighed, Carl was right, the only thing was he hadn't weighed himself in a while, lately, most of his insecurities were a result of his boyfriend's comments.

"I guess."

"Listen, I think you look great," Carl began, "but, if you wanted to lose some more weight, I would be more than supportive."

Connor shifted uncomfortably, pulling on the edge of his oversized jumper.

"Do you think I need to lose weight?"

"I think you know your own body and you know when you're not happy with it."

"I suppose."

"Great! Let's start looking up diets!"

"Don't you think maybe I should talk to a nutritionist or something, or at least my therapist?"

Carl looked at him for a moment.

"Do you really want anyone else to know how fat you've gotten?"

\---

An hour later Carl had come up with a whole new eating plan, one which didn't seem to involve much actual eating…

He was now leaving a small trail of kisses across Connor's collar bones.

Connor shifted.

"Hang on, I need to do something," he muttered, clambering up off the bed.

Carl let out a small whine in protest but, Connor was already out the door.

He wanted to apologise to Zoe for the night before.

"Zo?" he called out, upon reaching the bottom of the staircase.

"In the kitchen."

He followed her voice and found her flipping pancakes by the stove.

His mouth watered.

"Um, I wanted to apologise…"

"What for?"

"For shouting-" he hesitated, "for what I said."

Zoe looked at him for a moment, before placing the pan on the stove and walking over to him.

"You'll burn the pan-"

"I don't care," she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed gently.

They stayed like that for a moment, neither one of them really wanting to pull away.

In the end, Zoe was the one to break them apart.

"This jumper is way too big for you," She chuckled, leaning back and inspecting the way the item of clothing hung loosely on her brother.

Connor gave her a weak smile.

"Do you want some pancakes?"

He shook his head, causing her to frown.

"Con-"

"I already ate!"

She looked at him doubtfully.

"Honest! I got up with Carl before he went for a run and we had toast," he smiled.

Zoe seemed to buy it, just like she always did.

After all, this was hardly the first time he'd lied about food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's back for the second time in a week! Honestly I just love writing from Connor's perspective because he is just such an interesting character!
> 
> I don't normally listen to the deh soundtrack whilst writing but I did when writing this chapter, and it was actually pretty helpful! (My favourite songs are Words Fail and Requiem, how about you guys?) (I also watched the 35minute bmc bootleg a couple of times...)
> 
> LASTLY I'm starting an 'I hate Carl' club, who's with me?


	7. EVAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter:
> 
> Emotional abuse  
> Hints at eating disorders  
> Discussion of mental health and panic attacks  
> Fighting  
> Anxiety

**[https://www.buzzfeed.com]**

SEVEN REASONS TO SHIP CARLNOR

Okay, folks here is the article you've all been waiting for: How to be decent human being! (AKA 7 reasons to ship Connor Murphy and Carl Edwards)

Their Instagram's about each other are the CUTEST things ever!!!

They are an openly gay couple who promote gay rights and are an inspiration to LGBTQ+ youths all over the world

They go on the most original dates EVER

THEIR MATCHING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

They binge watch How to Get Away with Murder together!

They support each other through everything!

THEY BOTH SO PWETTY

So if you didn't already, now you must ship Carlnor! If you need a little more persuasion though, check out all the cute compilations of them on YouTube! 

 

**[Ohio 11:48am]**

Evan's eyes scanned over the article again, maybe all these people were right, maybe Carl and Connor were meant to be but, then again they didn't see the way Connor flinched when Carl touched him unexpectedly or raised his voice and they hadn't witnessed the way Connor's mood would decline significantly whenever his boyfriend was around. 

Unfortunately, Connor's holiday was now over, soon he would be going back to his job and Evan probably wouldn't see him for months. In his humble opinion, he wasn't sure Connor was quite ready to go back to work just yet, his friend looked even more exhausted than he had when he'd first got back, not well rested whatsoever.

Evan had hoped that he would be able to spend one final night with Connor however, that idea had slowly crumbled. 

**Evan:** Hey, just wondering if you fancied hanging out tonight?

 **Connor:** hey man, I'm really sorry but I have a show tonight… I'd invite you but it will probs be really loud and I figured that wouldn't really be your scene

Evan hesitated before replying.

 **Evan:** I'll be there

 **Connor:** seriously? I don't want you to get overwhelmed but if you mean it then that would be awesome!

 **Evan:** Just text me the details

 **Connor:** we'll pick you up at 2, you can help me get ready ;)

 

**[Ohio, 2:32pm]**

Connor was late, thirty-two minutes late to be precise. Evan glanced at his phone yet again, hoping to see a text from his friend but, his inbox was empty. Had the model abandoned him? Had he forgotten that he'd invited Evan? Unsure about what else exactly he could do, Evan resolved to call Zoe.

The female model picked up immediately.

"Evan? Is that you?

"Uh yeah, where um, where are you?"

"Oh god Evan I'm so sorry, I was literally about to call you, we're running really behind…"

"Oh right, that's uh, that's f-fine."

He could hear shouting in the background.

"Is that Connor?"

"What?"

"N-nothing."

"Look, Ev, we'll be there in five minutes, I'm really sorry."

"R-right, see you then."

Zoe hung up, Evan took a deep breath. 

He had definitely heard Connor shouting with someone in the background of the phone call, was his friend okay?

Before he could contemplate the subject further, the doorbell rang, he was expecting it to be Zoe and so was surprised when he opened it to find Connor leaning heavily against the door frame.

"Hey," the model's voice was raspy as if he had just been crying.

"You okay?"

Connor just shrugged and ran a hand over his face.

Evan wanted to invite him in so they could talk but, before he could he was interrupted by the blaring sound of a car horn.

Connor jumped and turned around, Evan poked his head out the door and saw a smart black car parked in the driveway.

"I um, I think Carl wants to get going," Connor explained, "we're already behind schedule."

Evan nodded in understanding, he grabbed a jacket before hurrying alongside Connor towards the car.

Connor clambered into the passenger seat, leaving Evan to hop in the back, where he found Zoe cuddled up to another girl he didn't recognise, she had dark skin, big glasses and the most enthusiastic smile Evan had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Alana! Zoe's girlfriend and PR manager," she grinned, extending a hand to shake Evan's.

"Hi I'm Evan," he replied quietly.

"The Evan?"

"I'm sorry?"

"The Evan Connor never shuts up about?" her eager tone was yet to falter.

Evan didn't really know what to say, thankfully Connor responded for him.

"Lana don't," he said quietly, from his seat behind the younger man, Evan could see that Connor had curled up into a ball and had his head resting against the window.

Alana seemed to take the hint and fell quiet. Zoe squeezed her hand reassuringly. 

The rest of the journey was tense and awkward, it was obvious that something was going on between Carl and Connor because the couple barely said a word to each other for the whole hour-long drive.

When they arrived at the venue, Connor spoke up for the first time.

"Can we go in around the back please?"

Carl frowned.

"Your fans have camped out to see you, Connor, you need to say hi to them."

Connor's shoulders sunk and Evan noticed the way he wrapped his hand around his own wrist and squeezed it.

"Fine, at least drop Evan in round the back though, he won't like the crowd."

"We don't have time Connor, your little temper tantrum has made us late enough as it is."

Evan felt everyone in the car shift uncomfortably as Carl parked the car. The muffled sound of people screaming filled his ears.

"What's going on?" he asked Alana.

"They're waiting for Connor," she sighed.

The next thirty minutes were almost surreal, as soon as Connor had climbed out of the car the screaming had doubled in volume and when Carl placed an arm around Connor's shoulder and kissed him on the cheek, Evan was pretty sure he saw someone faint. It was obvious that the couple were exaggerating their romance for the crowds, in between signing autographs and taking selfies with fans, Connor would giggle loudly at things his boyfriend had said or kiss him passionately on the cheek. By the time he had said hello to all the people there, he was practically hanging off Carl, it made Evan feel ever so slightly sick.

When they finally stepped foot in the building and the doors behind them closed, the pair separated like two opposing magnetic forces.

Connor looked even more exhausted than he had before as if the act of putting up a false positivity had sucked away the small amount of life that was left in him.

Evan watched as the model leaned against a wall and took what he imagined were supposed to be deep and calming breaths. He was about to approach his friend when a tall woman he didn't recognise, in large heeled boots, beat him to it.

Connor opened his eyes when the woman called his name and appeared relieved to see her.

"Lola," he croaked, before practically falling into her outstretched arms and wrapping his own around her waist.

Evan immediately wanted to thank this woman, whoever she was clearly made his friend happy.

"Who is she?" he asked Zoe.

"Oh that's Lola, she's Connor's hairdresser and basically his second mom."

Evan could definitely see the motherly instinct Lola had to take care of Connor, before getting him prepped for the show she insisted that he have an hour-long nap, one that nobody, not even Carl, was allowed to wake him from.

After that, she gently did his hair and makeup, forced him to drink some coffee and then allowed him to put his headphones in and sit in silence. In fact, Evan was pretty sure the only time Connor had said no to her all afternoon was when she offered him a breakfast bar, he had told her he was feeling too nervous about the show to eat. Evan could tell from her face that she didn't really believe him but before she could protest Carl had told her to drop it.

Evan had decided that aside from taking care of Connor properly, his favourite thing about Lola was her clear dislike for Carl, she was constantly throwing the manager cold looks and even interrupted him when he asked if Connor wanted to go to a backstage party that night, insisting that the poor boy was obviously too tired to do any such thing. It was obvious Carl had been looking forward to the party from the way his face fell, Evan suspected that, without his famous boyfriend, there was no way the manager would be able to swing tickets.

Time seemed to fly by and before Evan knew it the show was about to start, Connor and Zoe had disappeared to join the other models and so both he and Carl went to find their seats. He had hoped that Alana and Lola would be joining them but, apparently Lola had a dinner to get to and Alana preferred to stay backstage.

 

**[Ohio 9:58pm]**

Evan had decided that fashion shows were pretty boring, No, scratch that. Very Boring.

All he had done for the past hour was watch people in strange clothes strut up and down a long catwalk, each of them looking more cold and dead inside than the last. He suspected that most of this was just an appearance, although he couldn't help but wonder if all these people were like Connor.

There was only one person who had managed to capture his attention, they had wild, curly hair and were dressed head to toe in a shiny, almost reflective material. The person's cheekbones were sharper than the knives in Evan's kitchen drawer and they had been painted with small golden lines. The stranger had something about him that made you feel like you knew who he was completely but, at the same time, like they were filled head to toe with secrets, There was only one person in the world who made Evan feel that way.

He suddenly realised who the beautiful man was. 

Connor.

His friend really did stand out, unlike the rest of the models, who seemed to walk with a purpose, Connor practically glided down the catwalk, both at one with the audience and simultaneously somewhere else entirely. He kept his steely eyes focused straight ahead, making eye contact with no one, despite the fact that everyone's eyes were on him directly, perhaps it was because he'd been in the industry so long, or maybe he was just more adapted to distancing himself from those around him. Then he reached the end of the catwalk and hesitated, for the first time that night his eyes shifted, suddenly they were gazing directly into Evan's.

Evan was confused, was this a part of the show? Everyone else was still moving but Connor was seemingly frozen to the spot, then he started to sway, just a little, Evan was fairly sure that unless you were looking closely, you wouldn't even notice.

He turned to look at Carl.

"Is he okay?" 

Carl was also staring at Connor but, instead of concern, Evan could only see the anger in the manager's eyes.

"Carl?"

"He needs to move." Carl growled.

Evan turned back to look at Connor, Zoe was walking towards him, it was obvious that she was attempting to make it look like a part of the show because she stepped in time to the music and kept her head up and poised.

When she reached him, it was clear, however, that she didn't really have a plan. She just placed a hand on his lower back and tried to turn him around.

Fortunately, Connor seemed to snap out of his trance at the touch, and turned to walk with her, he stumbled slightly as he did so, drawing more attention to himself than Evan suspected he'd like. He managed to regain his balance though and smoothly walked back inside.

Neither he or Zoe reappeared for the rest of the show.

Carl was out of his seat as soon as the show had ended, hurrying towards the backstage door. Evan suspected that he was worried about his boyfriend.

He quickly got to his feet himself, gathering his belongings and walking speedily but also carefully towards the backstage entrance. He fumbled when showing his pass to the bodyguard but, managed to get through nonetheless. He walked past multiple dressing rooms, noticing as he did so that every conversation he overheard on his way seemed to be about Connor.

"Did you see what happened to Murphy?"

"Told you he was losing his touch!"

"-I heard he's sick!"

"-not eating!"

"-panic attack or something?"

"-too skinny!"

Evan blocked out the voices as he searched for either one of the Murphy siblings, it was something he had trained himself to do a long time ago, often finding it easier to ignore what people said about him if he never actually heard them.

He was starting to get anxious, the corridor was filling up with more and more people, yet none of them had faces he recognised. He was starting to consider leaving and just texting Connor from outside when a hand grabbed him and pulled him through a door.

"Zoe?"

Evan took in the girl before him, her eyebrows were knitted together in concern as she closed the door behind them.

He suspected that this was her dressing room.

"Is Connor okay?" he asked immediately.

Zoe looked at him for a minute, biting her lip hesitantly.

Eventually, she seemed to decide that he could be trusted.

"How well do you know my brother?" 

"Uh, pretty well I guess…"

"Does he talk to you?"

"Um sure, I mean most people talk to each other, it's a pretty normal thing too-"

"I mean does he talk to you about how he's doing?"

Evan thought for a moment.

"S-sure."

Zoe let out a frustrated sigh.

"Has he mentioned anything specific lately?"

"I don't think so?"

"I think maybe-" she hesitated. "No, never mind."

Evan studied her for a moment but, decided that he wasn't going to get anything else out of her and so just shifted awkwardly, waiting for someone to tell him what to do.

"Could you just keep an eye on him please?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah, yeah of course!"

Zoe smiled at him, pulling him into a warm hug and explaining that she was going to go and try and find Carl so that they could talk to the press and try and minimise the damage.

Evan frowned at the implication that Connor's actions might have had some sort of major effect on his career, all the model had done was messed up for a split second and yet the look on Zoe's face suggested that something much worse had occurred.

Having followed Zoe's directions, Evan was able to locate Connor's dressing room fairly swiftly, he was about to knock when he heard raised voices coming from the inside.

"What the fuck were you thinking?"

"It was your bloody idea!"

"I didn't mean you should fucking starve yourself, Connor! Jesus fucking Christ! What the hell am I supposed to do now huh?"

There was no response.

Evan had to press his ear against the door in order to hear what was said next, Carl had dropped his voice to almost a whisper, thank god for thin walls.

"What are you an insecure teenage girl? Get your shit together or I swear to God I'll-"

Evan felt the desperate urge to interrupt before he could stop himself he was knocking loudly on the door.

The voices on the other side fell silent.

He could practically feel the tension through the door.

He waited for someone to answer the door, a small part of him hoped it would be Connor but, he was unsurprised when it was Carl who answered.

"Oh, hey Evan," the older man grinned.

Evan couldn't quite stop himself from glaring.

"God sorry I had to rush off earlier mate, it's just I was so worried about Connor you know?"

"Hmm, I'm sure."

"Well anyway, I should probably go and explain what happened to the manager." 

Evan's anger faltered for a moment.

"What um, what happened?"

"Connor's got a nasty little cold, it's been lingering for a few weeks. Hence the shivering the other day," Carl explained with a smile.

Evan stared at Carl. The other man was such a wonderful liar.

However, instead of confronting him there and then, he just nodded in false belief. He told Carl that Zoe was looking for him and even accepted the hug that the older man offered before finally pissing off.

He hesitated for a moment, calming himself down, before knocking on the door.

When there was no response, he opened it gently.

Connor was curled up on the floor, leaning against the wall as his body trembled, his cheeks were stained with what looked like a lifetime worth of tears and yet more continued to fall.

"Connor are you okay?"

"Get out," he whispered.

"I heard you fighting with um, with Carl," he tried to explain.

Connor let out a small sob, Evan tried to reach out and console the model but, Connor pulled away.

"I said leave!"

Evan was taken aback, Connor had never yelled at him before.

"I-I'm sorry," he muttered, before turning to leave, before he could do so, however, Connor reached out and grabbed his wrist.

"I'm sorry," the small voice croaked.

Evan turned back around.

"Connor, Carl shouldn't shout at-"

Connor winced.

"Please don't talk about him."

Evan cautiously sat down next to the younger man, wary of not upsetting him further.

"Is this uh, is this okay?" he asked, tentatively wrapping his arms around his friend.

Connor nodded, before leaning into Evan's embrace, resting his head on his shoulder.

"I'm so tired Ev," he sighed.

Evan ran his fingers through Connor's hair as the other man closed his eyes.

"I know the feeling," he replied, as Connor drifted off to sleep right there on the floor.

 

**[https://www.tumblr.com/search/connor+murphy]**

**@connormurphyslaw:** Guys it's beyond obvious now that something is up with Connor, in that video of him at the show he looks like he's about to pass out, I mentioned a few weeks ago that he looked really unhappy. I don't know what's up but my guess is it's something to do with his mental health since we know he suffers from something, my guess is Bipolar or BPD. I just wish people (his management) would stop forcing him to do so much, my poor child needs to rest!

 **@connorsmanbun:** OH MY POOR CONNOR WTH

 **@merphislove:** Zoe looks so worried like it's not obvious but you can tell

 **Anon:** @connormurphyslaw hey I know you've seen the video of Connor at the show and I remember you saying a little while ago that you thought he had an eating disorder, do you think this might have something to do with that.

 **@connormurphyslaw:** Absolutely! I mean don't get me wrong, I really hope he doesn't have one but he has shown a lot of symptoms and signs so idk

 **@wickeddgreen:** Listen, that video could be about a bunch of things, plus he doesn't even look that bad, he might have just gotten hot under the lights or something?? Plus he tweeted afterward that he was fine sooooo

 **@merphislove:** @wickeddgreen I get where you're coming from but bare in mind Connor might not have sent that tweet himself…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did Chloé edit this chapter before posting it? No Chloé did not...
> 
> Ahh, I'm back lads! Sorry for the delay, school is a bit hectic at the moment lmao.
> 
> Honestly the reception this story has received makes me so unbelievably happy so thank you to all of you angels!
> 
> It's come to my attention however that I have made a few timeline mistakes, I've fixed them in the earlier chapters but I wanted to clear a few things up.
> 
> Connor timeline-  
> Age 14- Got signed  
> Age 14- Kissed Evan  
> Age 17-Diagnosed with BPD (It is not public knowledge that he suffers from this, only that he has some issues with mental health)  
> Age 18) Put on medication  
> Age 19) Publicly 'came out' (He has also been going out with Carl for two years.)
> 
> Okay, now that's all cleared up if you have any other questions feel free to ask :)


	8. CONNOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> Eating Disorders  
> Hospitals and Medication  
> Swearing and Shouting  
> Mental illness  
> Negative language used to describe therapy and mental illness  
> Emotional abuse

**[TODAY'S NEWS HEADLINES]**

_‘CONNOR MURPHY: LOSING HIS TOUCH?'_

_‘IS CONNOR MURPHY OKAY?'_

_‘CONNOR MURPHY ALMOST COLLAPSES AT SHOW LAST NIGHT'_

_‘CONNOR MURPHY…'_

_‘CONNOR MURPHY…'_

_‘CONNOR MURPHY'_

 

**[Ohio, 3:28am]**

After scrolling past yet another headline with his name in the title, Connor resolved just to come off the internet entirely. He was contemplating whether he should text Evan, when it occurred to him that his friend was probably fast asleep, given the time of day. Meanwhile here he was, sat in an airport at stupid o'clock in the morning, wearing a baseball cap in a frugal attempt to hide from fans. He let out a reluctant sigh and pocketed his phone, before closing his eyes and resting his head on Carl's broad shoulder.

"You okay babe?"

Following their fight the day before, Carl was being uncharacteristically nice, which meant they were back at stage one in the cycle. Carl would be nice, Connor would mess up. Carl would shout. Connor would cry. Carl would make it up to him.

It was pretty much the only solid routine in Connor's life.

He decided to take advantage of his boyfriend's good mood.

"Actually, I'm really hungry."

Lola, who was sat protectively on Connor's other side, smirked.

"When did you last eat?" Carl kept his voice casual, but it was obvious that he was trying to decide whether Connor eating was really a matter of urgency.

Connor responded with a shrug and casual voice of his own.

"Properly? Maybe two days ago."

He was almost certain he heard Lola growl at that.

"Okay babe, I'll get you something."

Connor lifted his head to let Carl stand up, only to shift and rest against Lola instead. He knew full well that once Carl was out of earshot she would want to discuss what had happened last night, she hadn't had a moment alone with him since she had arrived late last night to accompany him and Carl to the airport.

The trio was set to jet off to New York in a matter of hours, which also meant Connor hadn't managed to get any sleep, unless of course, you counted his impromptu nap on Evan's shoulder earlier.

Just as he had expected, Lola wasted no time in starting her speech, as soon as Carl had vanished around a corner, her mouth was open, and words were flowing out.

"What happened sweetie?"

"I don't know, I just got dizzy I guess…" 

Lola sighed.

"Connor, you have to start taking care of yourself."

"It's harder than it looks you know!" 

"I know honey, but eating? Sleeping? Those things are important."

"I do both of those things."

Lola didn't say anything, but he imagined that whatever look was on her face probably spoke for itself.

"I mean maybe I don't get enough sleep, but I do eat…"

"I've booked you a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning."

That got his attention, he sat up slowly, staring at the ground as he did so.

"What?"

"Connor, you fainted at that shoot two weeks ago and didn't get checked out, maybe I could have let that go if you hadn't almost done the exact same thing last night!"

"I have a therapist!"

"And when is the last time you saw her?"

Suddenly Connor became incredibly interested in a loose thread on his jumper.

"Exactly, which is why I have also booked you an appointment with her for two days after we arrive."

Connor couldn't help but admit that the idea of seeing his therapist actually sounded alright, he shot Lola a small smile.

"Thanks," he murmured quietly.

Lola reached up and ruffled his hair affectionately.

"I always take care of my little superstar now don't I. Eh?"

Connor nodded, before leaning back in the chair and closing his eyes.

God, he just wanted to sleep.

Of course, a fan chose this moment to approach him.

"Oh my god Connor Murphy!"

How could anyone have so much energy at this hour in the morning?

"Hey there," he said, his voice a little hoarse.

"Are you feeling better? I saw what happened at the show!"

"Yeah, I am thanks."

"Could I maybe get a photo with you?"

"Course."

The flash of the camera made his head ache and he couldn't help but groan as the early warning signs of a migraine began to kick in.

"Oh god are you okay? I'm sorry I didn't know it was on!"

The young girl sounded close to tears, Connor did his best to reassure her.

"No honestly, I'm fine, I'm just a little under the weather. It was really great to meet you-" he paused, "sorry what was your name again?"

"G-Georgia."

Something about her nervous tone reminded him of Evan, he felt a small pang of sadness in his chest.

"That's a really pretty name," he said kindly.

Fortunately, Georgia didn't stick around for too much longer, she just said thanks again, before hurrying off towards a woman he assumed was her mom.

After he was certain she could no longer see him, he sank back into his chair and placed his head in his hands, his head was throbbing now, and he was starting to feel ever so slightly nauseous.

"You okay babe?"

He didn't need to look up to know that Carl had returned.

"Headache."

"A migraine," Lola corrected him. "Do you have his medication?" 

"No. Sorry Con, I think it's run out."

"Surely as his manager, it's your job to get him refills?" 

Connor whimpered.

"Well, I was a little preoccupied trying to cover up his little episode on the catwalk!"

"If he'd been properly rested that incident wouldn't even have-"

"Would the pair of you just shut the fuck up!"

For once the two loudest people he had ever met fell silent.

"Connor-"

"Please, Lola just drop it."

"Sweetie I just want what's best for you."

"I'm fucking fine, it's a just a bloody headache!"

"Have you taken your bpd meds?"

"God, do you ever stop talking? Jesus Christ!"

A wave of sadness flashed across Lola's face.

Connor wanted to apologise but his head felt like it was splitting in half and without pain medication, he could feel nausea bubbling in the pit of his stomach.

"Just eat the food Carl so kindly went to get you, Connor," Lola said quietly.

Connor groaned.

"I feel sick," he pouted.

It looked as if Lola was about to say something, but Carl got there first.

"That's okay baby, you can eat something when you're feeling better."

For once Connor was grateful to Carl for speaking up for him, he knew it was wrong deep down, but he had been dependent on the older man for years and he didn't have the confidence to break away.

"Flight number five to New York is now boarding, please make your way to Gate B."

Connor winced as the loud voice over the intercom sent an extra vibration of pain through his skull.

He got to his feet shakily and found himself leaning heavily on Carl, taking advantage of the other man's sturdy frame.

"Fuck I'm dizzy," he groaned, nearly sinking back down into his chair.

He could practically see the darkness threatening to take claim over his vision.

"Connor, are you going to be okay to fly sweetie?" Lola's voice sounded panicked.

He let out a small groan but nodded, reluctantly taking a step forward.

It was at this moment his knees buckled and the next thing he knew he had his head between his knees and was sat on the floor.

"Should I go and get someone babe?"

"No, I'll be alright in the minute."

"Carl, he should eat something."

He knew Carl was thinking about the suggestion and unfortunately, his boyfriend seemed to agree with his hairstylist, because a moment later there was a cheese sandwich under his nose.

God this was going to be a long flight.

 

**[New York, 2:45pm]**

Connor hated hospitals, they made him feel dizzy, the lights were too bright, and there was always too much going on. Also, Doctors just loved to ask personal questions and if there was one thing Connor despised more than a cold hospital ward, it was talking about himself. Therapy was bad enough; surely he shouldn't have to attend some random check-up. But, Lola had asked him and he felt like he owed her too much to ever say no to her.

At least his celebrity status meant he wasn't kept waiting for too long, ordinarily, he tried not to use his fame for perks but, if one wink at the young receptionist ensured he would be seen in under ten minutes then Connor wasn't opposed to making just one exception.

He felt his body tense as the Doctor called his name, Lola must have noticed too because she reached over and took his hand.

"Come on sweetie let's get this over with."

Connor managed a small smile before standing up and following the doctor into an examination room.

He sat on the bed out of instinct, barely needing to be prompted to do so, he'd spent enough time in and out of clinics and hospitals to know how these things worked.

First, the Doctor ran a few tests, then they always wanted to go through his file, enquiring about both his migraine and bpd medication. Lastly they would ask how he was feeling, which was, in his humble opinion, an utterly ridiculous question. One that even he, who must have attempted to answer it at least a hundred times, still struggled to respond to.

"I'm fine I guess."

"Your blood pressure is a little low, which would explain the dizziness and fainting. How's your diet?

"I'm not on a diet."

"I meant what sort of things do you eat?"

Connor rolled his eyes.

"Well mostly weed brownies."

"Connor please…"

He sighed, it took all his willpower not to snap at Lola right now.

"I eat okay I guess."

"Connor, I understand that in your area of work there is a lot of pressure to look a certain way."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I'd come here for careers counselling."

"I can assure you I didn't mean it like that-"

"And I can assure you that this appointment is over."

He could hear both Lola and the doctor protesting, but he had already stormed out of the door and so was outside by the time Lola caught up with him.

"Connor that was rude."

"Oh yeah? Well so was he! Asking me all those fucking personal questions."

"Connor, nobody was asking personal questions," Lola sighed.

Suddenly a nasty thought crossed his mind.

"Did my therapist set you up to do this? Is she sick of me?"

"I don't understand?"

"Was that person in there a new shrink? Did Dr. Rosand ask you to find me a new one? Does she not want to see me anymore?"

Something in his brain told Connor that this was paranoia, that he wasn't thinking rationally, but the rest of it was telling him to keep shouting in Lola's face until the world made sense.

"Connor, you need to calm down."

"Shut the fuck up!"

Lola's mouth closed, Connor was in her face now, his eyes wild as he glared into her dark brown ones.

"You're not the boss of me Lola, I'm not a fucking child anymore!"

He turned to storm off, this caught Lola's attention.

"Where are you going? You're meant to be at a shoot in thirty minutes. Connor!"

Her calls were futile though, he was already gone.

Connor walked with no concept of time and so when he finally stopped for breath he was unaware as to how many hours had passed. His phone was buzzing like crazy in his pocket, which suggested that he had at least been gone long enough to miss his afternoon shoot.

God Carl was going to murder him.

He took his phone out with no intention of responding to any of Carl's ten text messages or five missed calls. He did feel a little guiltier ignoring Lola, but at that moment in time, there was only one person he could think of to call.

Evan.

He fumbled trying to find his friend's contact, his fingers trembling ever so slightly as he clicked on the call button.

The phone rang for what felt like days before Evan finally picked up.

"H-hello? Connor?"

He let out a sigh of relief, one that Evan clearly heard.

"Is everything okay?"

Connor found himself shaking his head, no, no it was not.

"Evan, I don't know what to do."

"Connor, I don't understand? What's wrong?"

"I-I don't know where I am."

"You're in New York."

"Well yes I'm aware of that," Connor could feel the mixture of anxiety and frustration bubbling in his stomach. "Evan I miss you," his voice cracked.

The man on the other end of the phone paused before replying.

"I miss you too Con."

Connor could feel himself starting to cry, right there in public.

"Evan I'm scared."

"What? Why? What's wrong?"

"I don't fucking know that's the problem!"

"Oh."

"Fuck I'm sorry I sound like a fucking mental case right?"

"What? No-"

"I'll leave you in peace."

"Connor don't hang up plea-"

His heart knew he was being irrational, the only problem was his brain was saying otherwise, the world had been turned upside down and Connor was unable to set things back to normal.

 

**[https://twitter.com/search?q=connor%20murphy &src=typd]**

**@connormurphyupdates:** photos of Connor entering and leaving a doctor's surgery this morning

 **@carledwards:** @connormurphyupdate Hi there, do you think maybe you could take these down? They're a bit of an invasion of Connor's privacy. (Love the profile pic by the way!)

 **@connormurphyupdates:** @carledwards hey yeah sure no problem! just to warn you though I got them from a professional news page so they're still out there

 **@carledwards:** Could you possibly dm me the link?

 **@connormurphyupdates:** done.

 

**[New York, 7:53pm]**

Connor had arrived home almost an hour ago, at some point during his time spent away it had started to rain, which meant he had turned up on the doorstep to the penthouse Carl had rented dripping wet.

Carl and Lola had pulled him inside, forcing him to take a long shower and put on some pyjamas and two jumpers, before starting on two separate, yet overlapping, lectures.

"I had no idea where you had gone-"

"-any idea how hard it was to book that gig in the first place?"

"-sister is flying in with Alana to check up-"

"Is your job just a joke to you?"

"I was so worried."

"-Twitter has exploded!"

This caught his attention.

"What?"

"Some idiot posted photos of you at the doctors and now everyone is worried about precious little Connor Murphy. Do you know what they're all saying Con? Huh? Do you have any fucking idea?"

He shook his head.

"They're saying you have an eating disorder! Just because you fucking _nearly_ collapsed at one fucking show!"

Connor was staring at the ground now, his body was shaking but he couldn't figure out if that was because he was still cold or if it was something else.

"I mean Jesus Christ Connor can't you just get your fucking act together Jesus!"

"No. No, I can't, you want to know why Carl? Do you? Because I'm sick okay. I have fucking bpd, I can't focus on shit right now because everything is a fucking mess!"

He wasn't sure if what he was saying even made any sense, but suddenly he was aware of Carl's arms wrapped around him, rocking him back and too on the couch like a baby.

He chocked out one more sentence before descending into a shaky mess entirely.

"I'm just so scared Carl."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guyssss it's been a while I'm so sorry! I've just been super busy with school stuff! This chapter has been sitting on my laptop unedited and unfinished for over a week now!
> 
> Anyway Ben Platt leaving hit me hard (let's talk and bond over that in the comments)
> 
> ALSO IN THE BEDROOM DOWN THE HALL MAKES ME WAY TOO EMOTIONAL like honestly I sob when I listen to it and so have had to limit myself to not listening to it TOO MUCH!
> 
> Anyway I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! The proper plot starts soon I promise!


	9. EVAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> -Brief mentions of disordered eating in previous chapters  
> -Depression  
> -Negative reactions to depression  
> -Mentions/hints at abuse  
> -Discussion of mental health  
> -Mentions of death, but not really

**[Ohio, 1:48pm]**

It had been two weeks.

Two weeks since Evan had received a panicked call from Connor in New York.

Two weeks and nothing. Not one word to let Evan know that his friend was okay. 

However, it seemed Evan was not the only one suffering from Connor's silence as the model had been absent from all social media, leaving his fans distraught.

It was eleven o'clock at night when an idea finally dawned on him, one that he cursed himself for not having considered before now. Zoe. He could call Zoe.

Too anxious about Connor to recognise that calling at this hour might be a bad idea, Evan fumbled to locate Zoe's number on his phone.

It rang for a painfully long ten seconds before there was an answer on the other end.

"Hello? Evan?"

"IsConnorokayI'vebeenreallyworriedandhe-"

"Woah slow down," Zoe sounded tired. "What's going on?"

Evan took a deep breath before attempting to start over.

"Is Connor okay? It's just he rung me a little while ago and he sounded really upset, and I haven't heard from him since."

Zoe hesitated, Evan decided to jump in again, not giving her the chance to respond to his previous question.

"I know he's in New York but-"

"What?"

"He's in New York right?"

"No, Connor came home a couple of days after he got there…"

"What? Why? Is he okay?"

"Look Evan I-"

"Is he okay?"

"I-I don't know," Zoe's voice had gone quiet, Evan could tell she was upset. "We got a call saying he'd had a bit of a breakdown, not an episode or anything, just a sort of blip I guess. Anyway, Carl cancelled Connor's schedule and they flew back home. Connor asked Carl to message you though, did he not text you?"

Evan had to hold back a small growl.

No, Carl had not fucking texted him.

"Sorry Evan, things have been a little crazy here, Carl probably forgot, and Connor probably wasn't up to texting you, he's mostly been sleeping."

Evan's anger at Carl morphed into concern for Connor.

"Do you think maybe he might like to see me?" he asked nervously.

"Oh yes definitely! He always talks about you," Zoe seemed to have perked up a little, Evan couldn't help but smile to himself.

"So maybe um, maybe I could come over tomorrow? Unless Connor needs to rest? I don't want to delay his recovery, I mean maybe he would prefer-"

Zoe interrupted his rambling.

"Evan, Connor would love to see you."

 

**[www.buzzfeed.com]**

‘CONNOR MURPHY IS DEAD CONSPIRACY THEORY'

So as we all know it's not uncommon for a celebrity to vanish off the face of the earth every now and then, but, Connor Murphy has been seemingly absent from the world for two weeks now?? Which leads us to only one thing….CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Sooo here's what we know! Connor Murphy landed in New York two weeks ago, ready to start a series of photo shoots and interviews, however, he hasn't turned up to a single one! Both his and his bf's social media have been inactive for a fortnight and we're starting to get seriously concerned!

After reportedly collapsing at a shoot about a month ago and then appearing to look on the verge of death on the catwalk, concern for our favourite Murphy (other than Zoe?? We love them both!!) has skyrocketed! All we have is a photo of Carl looking very upset outside Connor's childhood home, smoking (hot!) and crying! Which leads us to believe that Connor has died! Yes, that's right D I E D died!

(If you have any other theories let us know and get _#ripconnor_ trending on twitter!)

 

**[Ohio, 12:28pm]**

Evan gently knocked on the front door, despite the amount of time he had spent here prior to Connor leaving for New York he was terrified. Maybe it was his uncertainty that Connor would actually want to see him, he knew when he was struggling with his own mental health he preferred not to be surrounded by others, but then Zoe had insisted Connor had asked for him…

Despite his subtle attempt to knock as quietly as possible, the door swung open to reveal Zoe, who had what Evan suspected was too large of a smile to be genuine plastered on her face.

"Hey, Evan!" she beamed.

He smiled back nervously.

"Are you um, are you still sure I should…well you know? Be here?"

"Absolutely, come on in."

"Zoe what's going on-" his sentence dissipated as they entered the living room and he made eye contact with Carl. 

"Oh, hi Carl."

"Evan! Hi mate? How are you?"

"Fine."

"Dude did you not get my messages?"

Evan had to bite his lip to stop himself from shouting in Carl's face.

"Hmm, no they must have got lost or something."

"Ah that's a shame, Connor could have really done with your help lately."

Evan couldn't help but feel guilty, did Carl have that effect on everyone? Did he have that effect on Connor?

"Well you know I'm here now, so could I maybe like see Connor? You know if that's okay?"

His question was directed at Zoe but it was, of course, Carl who answered.

"He's upstairs at the moment, Lola is with him but he doesn't really want to talk to anyone else right now, not even me. I guess I could take you up and we could try though?"

"Oh uh yeah sure."

Evan's stomach filled with dread, if Connor didn't even want to talk to his boyfriend, there was no way he would want to see Evan, was there?

He followed Carl up the stairs and to the bedroom down the hall that he knew belonged to Connor.

A part of him wanted to shove past Carl and through the door when they finally reached the doorway, but instead, he waited, slightly impatiently, for the other man to knock.

"Carl I swear to God if you've come to ask about that fucking tour again I'll-" the door swung open to reveal Lola, her face was bare and her lacked its usual volume and height, she still looked beautiful to Evan though.

"Calm your tits Lola, Mr. Knight in shining bloody armour's here for the little princess!"

Lola's frustrated expression shifted to one of confusion and then back to frustration as her gaze turned to Evan.

"Oh so now you show up huh?"

"W-what?"

"Two weeks he's been asking for you! And you can't even respond to Carl's-" she paused, a look of realisation dawned on her face, before being swiftly replaced by rage.

"You little shit!" she hissed at the manager. "You didn't fucking message him did you?"

Somehow Carl managed not to crack under her glare.

"Actually I think the messages must not have been sent through properly," he replied coolly.

It was evident that Lola did not believe him, but she looked a little too tired to argue, instead, she let out a small sigh and shifted to let them into the room, however she quickly stepped back into her place guarding the door when Carl moved forward.

"No, not you, just Evan."

Carl didn't look happy but he too looked a little too tired to argue.

Evan couldn't help but feel a little smug as he walked into the room without Carl, however all that went away when he laid eyes on Connor.

The younger man was curled up in the top left-hand corner of his bed, you could tell his hair was greasy even from the other side of the room, and his eyes were practically swamped by dark purple bags, suggesting that he hadn't slept at all since getting back.

Evan shifted uncertainly as Lola muttered that she would give the two some privacy.

He tentatively approached the bed.

"H-hey Connor."

Connor lifted a part of his blanket up and gestured for Evan to come and sit on the bed.

Evan frowned but complied, sitting down awkwardly next to Connor, who immediately pulled the blond towards him and rested his head on his chest.

Evan shifted, he figured this should feel uncomfortable, but instead he found he had never felt more at home.

Connor let out a soft whimper and closed his eyes.

Evan slowly placed a hand on the other man's head and began to run his fingers through his hair, ignoring the slightly greasy feel of it.

A million questions were racing through his head, but he knew better than to hound Connor with them, figuring that others had probably already done so. Instead, he just sat there, fiddling with Connor's hair and waiting for his friend to initiate conversation in his own time.

After what felt like almost an hour, Connor finally shifted, sitting half up and staring blankly at the ceiling.

"Evan?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you here?"

"W-what?"

"Why are you here? You don't have to be."

"Because I care, Connor, because I want to be here."

Connor snorted at that.

"Nobody wants to be around someone who is depressed Ev, it's too-" Connor paused, searching for the right choice of word, "depressing…"

Evan let out a small sigh, Connor continued.

"I just don't want to make anyone else feel sad," he whispered.

Evan felt the need to jump in.

"Well, sometimes you do."

Connor looked at him with a mixture of surprise and hurt on his face.

"Everyone does," Evan continued. "Everyone makes people feel sad, but they also make them feel happy, and excited, and mad, it's just a part of being human, you can't blame yourself for how other people react to you being depressed, it's not like you can control it."

Connor had gone back to staring at the ceiling, Evan noticed that the glow in the dark stars that he had helped Connor stick up there when they were younger were still there. They probably didn't glow as brightly as they once had, that is if they still worked at all.

"Connor, did something happen?"

"Yeah, it's called mental health," Connor joked half-heartedly.

"I um, I meant like s-something, like maybe um, like a trigger?"

Connor shrugged.

"I dunno, maybe? I'm not the best at identifying that kind of shit."

"Oh, um right."

"I guess things aren't the best at the moment with uh, with Carl…"

Evan had to hide the way his heart leaped and stomach filled with anger at the same time.

"Do you uh, want to like, you know, maybe talk about it?"

Connor shrugged and closed his eyes, Evan could tell he was exhausted.

"We can do that another time if you want?" he offered gently.

Connor scrunched his nose up and nodded.

Evan went to get up, but Connor reached out and grabbed on to his shirt.

"No, stay, please."

Evan wasn't sure he could have said no to Connor's broken request even if he had wanted to.

He knew, in that moment, that he would do whatever Connor asked of him.

Anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this chapter is so short in comparison to some of the others, but I wanted to give you guys something and I still need to edit the rest of what I've got for this point in the story because I'm not really happy with it I guess...
> 
> Anyway I'm sorry for not updating in a while, but thank you so much to everyone who is reading this story, the response it has gotten is amazing and it makes me so unbelievably happy!! Honestly all your wonderful comments are what inspire me to write! So thank you for each and every one of them!!


	10. CONNOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter:
> 
> Descriptions of depression and depressive episodes  
> Discussion of mental illness, specially BPD  
> Mentions of disordered eating  
> Mentions of suicidal thoughts  
> Emotional abuse  
> Physical abuse  
> Past sibling abuse  
> Distrust of someone suffering from a mental illness  
> Potentially questionable consent  
> Victim blaming
> 
> If you find anything else in this chapter triggering that I have forgotten to list, please don't hesitate to let me know and I'll add it

**[Ohio, 8:32am]**

The thing about coming out of a depressive episode is that contrary to popular belief it doesn't just happen overnight. At least not for Connor. He envied fictional characters on TV shows who magically seemed to snap out of their depression in between chapters or episodes, when, in reality, sometimes getting better felt a whole lot more like slipping further away. Maybe the darkness would disappear or fade away but, when it did, instead of a bright light there was just grey, a vast stream of emptiness that you have to somehow muddle your way through in order to try and find the part of yourself that actually gives a fuck about being alive. In fact, the way Connor saw it, there was only one difference between the darkness and the grey, and that was that when he was in the grey place he at least knew there was a part of him that gave a shit, he just had to try and find it.

Evan helped. Evan was like his own personal trail of breadcrumbs, something that didn't save him but that helped him to see the way, that reminded him why sometimes life isn't totally fucked up. Lola helped too, she brought him water, made sure he didn't die from dehydration, she even held the glass for him when he couldn't quite remember how the grasp it between his own nimble fingers. Zoe tried to help, wait, actually that wasn't fair, it wasn't her fault, it's just her presence reminded him of a version of himself that he desperately didn't want to become again. However, when she came in and played the music on her iPod that she knew he didn't completely despise it was kind of nice.

And then there was Carl.

Connor didn't even want to open that box, he knew what was inside and he feared it.

In the beginning, when they had first gotten together, Carl had helped, in fact, he'd helped more than anyone.

For some reason his first depressive episode after being diagnosed had been one of the worst, having a label put on what he was experiencing didn't make it any easier to deal with and the doctors were still fiddling around with his medication to try and find the perfect cocktail of drugs, so they didn't really help either. Honestly, Connor wasn't sure he would have survived that episode at all if it hadn't been for Carl. The older man held him when he cried, whispered things to him when he needed conversation but couldn't muster the energy to talk and, best of all, he didn't ask stupid questions about how Connor was feeling, it really felt like he understood.

Things carried on like this for a few months, Carl never got angry or frustrated, until, one day, he did. It wasn't anything major at first, he just got annoyed at small things Connor would do, or rather not do. Then the comments started, little ones that set up camp in the back of Connor's mind and refused to budge. Unlike Lola, Carl didn't scold Connor when he refused to eat, sometimes he even went so far as to praise Connor for not clearing his plate.

Connor could cope with those things though. He had to. After all, he needed Carl, he couldn't live without him.

During this episode though he felt like he had barely seen his boyfriend, he knew that Carl had been busy, clearing Connor's schedule and shielding from social media's reactions to his absence, Connor was grateful for all of these things, he just wished that sometimes Carl would put down the laptop and pay him some attention.

At least he had Evan.

God Evan.

Evan, who had put into words so perfectly what he needed to hear.

Evan, who hadn't pressured him to get better, or provided him with a time frame in which he needed to recover.

Evan, who he needed, Evan who he-

No.

Evan wasn't like Carl, Evan was just a friend, his best friend sure, but nothing more than that.

It was Evan who was there when he started to feel better.

Connor had woken up and for the first time in what felt like years the colours in his room weren't so dull, he actually wanted to get up, if only to walk downstairs and get a change of scenery. When he reached the bottom of the stairs the smell of bacon cooking hit him. His stomach growled as he tried to remember the last time he had eaten something. As he approached the kitchen he heard voices. The ambiguity of who was speaking annoyed him, and so he pushed the door open to see what was going on.

Evan and Zoe were giggling by the stove, Carl was sat at the table, his eyebrows scrunched together as he read something on the screen, and Lola was leant against the wall watching Evan and Zoe play fight with dish rags.

He smiled to himself, this was it he thought, this was what brought him through the down days.

 

**[One week later, Ohio, 11:35am]**

When he was younger Connor used to think the idea that time could heal was stupid, how could something invisible do such a thing? But, as he got older he started to understand. It had been a week since he'd come out of his episode and honestly, he was actually starting to feel better.

He liked being at home, not that he'd ever admit to it out loud, his mother would have a field day. He especially liked being at home when his friends and family were there. 

Especially Evan.

Over the past week he had hung out with his friend non-stop, they had watched the whole of Stranger Things season 2, twice (Evan had almost cried when Connor told him he had actually done a photo shoot with some of the cast after season one), they had baked (well, Evan had baked whilst Connor distracted him and stole cake mixture) and they had talked, about pretty much everything.

All of this wasn't to say Connor hadn't also enjoyed spending time with other people, he had spent time with his sister, helping her and his mom sort out boxes of their old toys to give to charity, he had even spent time with his dad (although he'd drawn the line at watching baseball). He was glad his relationship with his father wasn't what it used to be, maybe the time spent apart had been a good thing? Or, maybe, over time, Larry had learned how to deal with Connor's mental health in a more supportive way, he'd even come along to family therapy sessions over the years.

And then there was Carl, his boyfriend had been wonderful. It was the version of Carl that Connor loved, the version that he felt safest around. They had gone for walks, cuddled and even had sex a couple of times. Thank god for soundproof walls.

Connor allowed himself to get caught up in his seemingly perfect relationship. 

He let his guard down, and then everything went wrong.

Again.

 

**[Two days later, Ohio, 9:45pm]**

Connor had always loved sex, actually no, he had always needed it.

It was the best distraction in the world, something he had discovered eagerly at an age Lola would deem ‘too young'.

Sex with random people was good, but sex with Carl was unbelievable.

Especially when Connor was on a high.

He felt the other man's warm flesh against his own, filling his generally cold body with heat and causing him to part his lips and let out small noises.

Carl liked to mark his territory, he would bite down on Connor's neck and press his body into the mattress.

Some days Connor found himself wishing that they could try out something more gentle, just to see what that was like. But, he didn't want to upset Carl, and he didn't exactly _dislike_ the things the older man did to his body.

Lately though, he couldn't help but wonder, especially just after it had happened, what it would be like to just try something else.

He decided it might be best to put these ideas out of his mind and so rolled over, pressing his face against Carl's neck and kissing the older man's flushed skin.

"I love you," he murmured.

Carl kissed the top of his head.

"I'm glad you're feeling better Con."

"Thanks."

Carl began to fiddle with the tips of Connor's hair, he was quiet, too quiet, maybe he wanted something…

"So," yep, he wanted something, "there's this thing."

Here we go again.

"Basically this mental health charity are putting on this international modelling tour to raise awareness and money for Mental health in adolescents."

Connor sat up and sighed. He tried to plaster a smile across his face, the whole thing sounded great, he just wasn't sure why Carl was bringing it up just after they'd had sex, it was a bit of a mood killer.

"That sounds great Carl."

"Oh, no, you haven't even heard the best part yet!"

Of course, there was fucking more.

"It starts next week and they want you to headline it!"

The smile dropped off Connor's face.

"M-me?"

"Yes! Isn't that exciting?"

Carl was smiling at him, perfect white teeth and all.

Connor shifted uncomfortably, and started to pick at the blanket Carl had draped over them.

"But I uh, I thought you said I could have a break…"

Carl looked at him with confusion.

"Yeah? You've had one?"

"Oh, right…"

"Jesus Con, you could at least pretend to look excited, do you have any idea how many strings I had to pull to get you this gig?"

"I thought you said they wanted me?" Connor muttered quietly.

"You? Who on earth would want you?"

Connor winced. Carl took a deep breath, clearly attempting to suppress his anger.

"Look, Connor-"

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't want to do it."

"For fuck's sake, you really are a fucking nightmare aren't you?" Carl growled.

Connor tried to stand up, Carl grabbed his wrist firmly, pulling him back down to sit on the edge of the bed.

"I sorted everything out for you Connor! Every fucking little thing so that you could sit around on your fat arse and do nothing for a month, and this is how you choose to repay me?"

"F-fat?"

Carl was standing up now, he was stood in front of Connor, his face inches from the model's as he spat words into his face.

Connor really wished his parents hadn't paid to soundproof all the bedrooms when Zoe started learning to play guitar. Maybe then someone would hear Carl shouting and come to rescue him.

"Yes Connor, F-A-T, FAT! Surely you're not so stupid that you don't realise that sitting around and doing nothing but eat and sleep doesn't exactly burn calories."

He jabbed at Connor's stomach, which the twenty-one year old promptly sucked in.

"I hate you!" Connor sobbed, standing up and screaming in Carl's face.

That's when it happened.

At first, Connor doubted whether or not it actually had but, there Carl's hand was, suspended in the air, and here Connor was, crouching on the floor and cradling against his sore cheek with both hands.

There was no denying it.

Carl had hit him.

Connor froze, what did he do now? What was going on? Was it all his fault? Yes. Yes, he had provoked Carl. Although, if someone had hit Evan then no matter what his friend had done Connor would stick up for him, surely he should apply the same rule to himself... God, this was all so confusing. 

"Connor?"

It was as if Carl was speaking to him underwater, he could see his boyfriend's lips moving and could faintly register the sound coming from them, but, at the same time, it was as if someone had distorted the world around him.

Zoe. He could talk to Zoe. She'd know what to do.

"I have to go," he murmured, he knew Carl had heard him though, because the other man immediately wrapped his arms around Connor and started to apologise profusely.

"Baby I'm so sorry, darling, please. I love you, it will never happen again."

"Get off me."

"Connor, please?" Carl was practically sobbing now.

Connor looked at the other man with hesitancy, a part of him wanted to stay, but he knew his thoughts were so scattered right now that whatever he said would come out totally wrong, so instead he slowly pulled away and left the room in search of his sister.

He found her in the living room and was about to enter before he had to pause, having realised only then and there that he too was crying.

He wiped away his tears and any presumptions he had about what had just happened, he wanted to enter the room with an open mind, ready to follow his sister's advice exactly.

Zoe and Alana were cuddled up on the couch, he tried to focus on them, ignoring the rest of the sounds in the room, the tv, the dripping tap in the connected kitchen.

He coughed quietly.

Both girls looked up at him in alarm, shit.

"Connor what's wrong?"

There was an urgency in Zoe's voice and eyes.

"W-what?"

"Connor, you're shaking, what's happened?"

"C-can I t-talk to you please?"

"Of course."

His eyes flickered over to where Alana was still situated on the couch.

"Lana, could you give us a moment in private?" Zoe asked quietly.

The dark skinned girl looked apprehensively between the Murphy siblings.

"Zo, are you sure?"

Connor couldn't help but wince, he knew why Alana was apprehensive about leaving her girlfriend alone with him, but a small part of him was also just a little frustrated, it's not like he hadn't been trying, he'd been to therapy and had been clean for almost six months now of drugs and alcohol.

"Absolutely certain," Zoe replied with a small smile.

Connor felt warm feeling pass through his body at the prospect that, just maybe, his sister had started to trust him again.

Alana gave Connor's arm a reassuring squeeze and smiled up at him before leaving the room.

Okay, maybe she wasn't so bad.

Zoe took his hand, calmly leading him towards the couch in order to sit down.

She didn't let go, even after asking what had happened.

Connor hesitated, it occurred to him suddenly that he hadn't actually prepared what it was he wanted to say. He settled on keeping things vague.

"Zoe are you happy with Alana?"

"Yes."

Connor envied the certainty in her response.

"Would you still be happy with her if she hurt you?"

He felt his voice crack.

"Connor where are you going with this?"

She sounded a little nervous now, Connor tried not to burst into tears.

"If she um, if she did something bad, should you stop loving her?"

Suddenly Zoe stiffened.

"Connor, did something happen between you and Carl?"

"M-maybe, I don't know."

"Look, Connor, if you hurt him, I can't excuse or justify that for you?"

Connor froze to the spot.

"Me? H-hurt him?"

"Well yes obviously-" her mouth dropped open mid-sentence, as a look of horror flashed across her face. "Connor did you hit him?"

Connor couldn't even bring himself to shake his head.

A single tear rolled down his cheek and splashed on to his pyjama bottoms.

"Connor answer me or I swear to God I'll-"

"No! No, I fucking didn't okay Zoe."

"Connor I'm sorry, I know you love him."

"Yes…"

"And when you love someone, you shouldn't be the one to hurt them."

Zoe's words lingered with Connor for the rest of the day, they stayed with him when he climbed into bed that night and let Carl fuck him.

He loved Carl.

He shouldn't hurt him by dragging out the mistake his boyfriend had made.

After all, it was just one tiny slap.

Wasn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys its been what? A day? That has to be some sort of record lmao.
> 
> To be fair I already had the end of this chapter written, so it didn't take as long to write as others have in the past.
> 
> I feel like the style of this chapter was a little different, I really wanted to focus on Connor's thoughts, let me know if you guys liked it? Or if you prefer more dialogue heavy chapters? I absolutely love any sort of feedback!
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who comments on this fic, it makes me so happy you don't even understand! Especially when people leave long comments, those make me want to cry, I just love you guys so much! Hopefully there won't be too long of a wait for the next chapter, I have a really focused plan of where this story is headed now so that's exciting!
> 
> See ya all soon!


	11. EVAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter:
> 
> Abuse and references to past abuse  
> Transphobia  
> Anger  
> Crying  
> Disordered eating  
> Hints at depression  
> Mental illness  
> Blood  
> Accidental self harm  
> Panic Attacks  
> Vomiting

**[www.buzzfeed.com]**

WHICH MEMBER OF CARLNOR ARE YOU?

Hey there quiz takers and homework avoiders! Have you ever wondered if you're more of a broody (slightly unstable) but lovable cinnamon roll, or a hunky, boss man type? (In other words, do you want to know if you're more like Connor Murphy or Carl Edwards?) 

Take the quiz below to find out!

 

**[Ohio, 11:32am]**

Evan shifted his weight nervously, he had been texting Connor all morning, but the other boy was yet to respond, he'd been so anxious that he'd decided to skip work and come and check up on his friend. In reality, he knew Connor was surrounded by other people who cared about him, Lola, Zoe, his parents….Carl, however, he hadn't been able to shake the feeling that something was wrong and so here he was. 

Slowly, he reached up and rang the bell.

The door opened almost immediately to reveal the very last person Evan was hoping to see.

"Hey there Ev," Carl drawled.

"Hi, Carl."

"What's up man?"

"Oh um, I was just looking for Connor," Evan muttered, avoiding eye contact and trying to look around Carl to see if Connor was stood behind him.

"Oh he's in the kitchen," Carl replied. "Follow me."

Evan reluctantly did so, as Carl continued to talk.

"Yeah that silly twat managed to whack his cheek on his own headboard this morning," Carl chuckled, "so he's just putting some ice on it."

Evan didn't see what was so funny about Connor having hurt himself and so did not join in with Carl's laughter.

In the kitchen Connor was sat down at the table, Lola hovered over him like a mother goose, holding a bag of frozen peas to his face.

"-and you're sure that's what happened?" she asked, Evan could sense the disbelief in her voice from a mile off.

Connor blushed. "Yes, now will you stop going on about it," he muttered, "it's embarrassing."

Both Lola and Connor looked up at the sound of new people entering the room, Lola scowled at Carl, but Connor only had eyes for Evan. The wavy-haired boy grinned.

"Evan!"

"Uh, hi."

"It's so good to see you!"

Evan was pretty sure he saw Carl scowl, as Connor stood up and embraced him in a hug.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in ages," Connor said quietly, as he pulled away.

Evan chuckled nervously. "It's only been a day Con…"

"Still."

"So were you jumping on the bed or what?" Evan joked.

"What?" Connor looked at him in total confusion.

"Your cheek?"

Connor frowned, before a look of realisation dawned on his face and he looked away sheepishly. 

"Oh right yeah," he mumbled.

"Does it hurt?"

Evan saw Connor look at Carl for a split second, before shaking his head uncertainly.

"Nah it's fine."

"Oh, good."

Lola, who had been watching the exchange between the two boys, sighed loudly, they both turned to face her.

"Evan, since you're here darling maybe you can talk some sense into Connor!"

Evan saw Connor roll his eyes dramatically and couldn't help but chuckle, he immediately stopped though after catching one glimpse of the look on Lola's face.

"Oh, um, about what?"

"He wants to go on this big fancy international tour for mental health!"

"Right…"

"And he clearly isn't up to it! Is he?"

Evan's vision panned over everyone in the room, Lola was looking at him, a gleam of desperation in her eye, Carl was practically glaring at him, as if daring him to agree with Lola and Connor, well Connor was staring blankly at the ground, Evan was pretty sure the model wouldn't know what he wanted even if Evan asked him.

"I uh, I don't know?"

"See Lola, the only one who has a problem with any of this is you!" Carl smirked, shooting the hair stylist a satisfied look.

"Oh go fuck yourself!"

"Ooh, big talk from the pretty lady!"

"What the fuck did you call me?"

"Of sorry? I thought that's what you were? A lady right? That's what you asked us all to call you isn't it?"

Connor was on his feet and stood between them in a flash.

"Don't talk to her like that!"

"Con I-"

"I said don't fucking talk to her like that!"

"Jesus Connor, I didn't mean it."

"Say you're fucking sorry right now or I swear to god I'll-"

Carl threw his hands up in the air, backing away from Connor who was practically screaming in his face.

"Okay, okay I'm sorry!"

"Say it fucking nicely!"

"I'm sorry. I mean it I'm sorry, that was over the line."

Connor finally backed away, but stayed planted protectively in front of Lola.

"If you _ever_ ," he growled, "say anything like that to Lola again I'll have you fired and dump your fucking transphobic arse before you can even blink. Do I make myself clear?"

Carl nodded, he looked utterly gobsmacked.

"We're going out," Connor snapped, storming out of the kitchen, pulling Lola along with him. "Come on Evan!"

Evan shot Carl one final glare before hurrying after his friend.

He noticed that in his haste to leave, Connor had forgotten Lola's coat as well as his open, Evan grabbed them on his way out.

He found Connor sat on the front steps, his head in his hands and his back hunched up as Lola ran her fingers through his hair soothingly.

The sound of Connor's sobs filled the air.

He gently draped the navy coat over the model's slender body and passed a bright fluffy red one to Lola.

Connor jolted at the new feel of fabric against his body, and sat up quickly. Both his eyes and nose were red.

"L-Lola I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay sweetie, you didn't say those things."

"B-but my boyfriend did he-"

"Shh, we all say stupid things when we're angry. You really think that's the worst thing I've ever had said about me?" she joked.

Connor didn't laugh. "That doesn't make it okay," he whispered.

"No, but I think you made that pretty clear to him," she chuckled.

Evan watched as Connor dissolved into a mess of sobs again, curling into a little ball and allowing Lola to rock him back and to like a baby.

"Let's get out of here," he found himself saying.

Both Lola and Connor looked up at him.

"Come on, let's just go someplace else!"

 

**[Ohio, 1:03pm]**

They had somehow found their way to a little café tucked away on the outskirts of the town, it was ideal considering how empty it was, meaning it was unlikely that Connor wouldn't be recognised. 

Although, Evan wasn't sure that someone would recognise Connor right now, even if they were is number one fan. The model had not stopped shaking since they left, his eyes were puffy and red and the dark bruise on his face made the rest of his complexion look even paler than usual. Evan had never been more thankful to Jared than he was right now, it was the older boy who had first introduced him to this little café, insisting that it was quiet enough for Evan to hide away from the rest of the world in.

Connor was currently stabbing at the salad Lola had ordered for him, attacking the leaves viciously with his fork, only to fling them across the plate moments later. Evan felt his palms sweat, this was the Connor that Zoe had warned him about.

Wait, actually no, the Connor Zoe had described got angry for no reason, right now Connor was angry because his boyfriend had insulted someone who was like a mother to him.

Speaking of Zoe.

Evan's phone began to ring, he fumbled for it, muttering an apology for interrupting a conversation that didn't exist.

"H-hello? Zoe?"

"Evan is that you?" 

"Uh, yeah it's me? What's wrong?"

"Well nobody's home, I was just wondering if you had seen Connor at all today?" Evan could tell she was trying to stay calm, but the worry was evident in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm with him and Lola right now."

"Oh thank god, I mean that's good," there was a pause. "So where's Carl?"

"I um, I don't know, he didn't come with us."

Connor was now looking at Evan, clearly interested in the conversation.

"It's Zoe," Evan mouthed.

"Yeah, I know," Connor mouthed back mockingly. Evan blushed.

"So I'm a little bored and Alana's in a meeting, could I maybe come meet you guys somewhere?"

Evan glanced at Connor, since it was obvious he could hear what was being said on the other end of the line, he nodded in in confirmation, albeit a little reluctantly.

"Yeah sure."

 

**[www.modelbehaviour.com]**

‘CONNOR MURPHY TO HEADLINE INTERNATIONAL TOUR FOR MENTAL HEALTH ORGANISTION ‘BRAINZ'

 

**[Twitter]**

**@ConnorMurphyUpdate:** Guys Carl just tweeted a video two minutes ago saying Connor is going to doing a whole modelling campaign to raise money and awareness for ‘Brainz'!

 **@icuuuuu:** guys omg this is the charity that helped me so much two years ago I can't believe it wow

 **@ilovemurphysibs:** WHEN IS CONNOR GOING TO TWEET SOMETHING ABOUT ALL OF THIS PLEASE????

 

**[Ohio, 1:35pm]**

Zoe's arrival seemed to shift the dynamic a little, it didn't seem like either Connor or Lola wanted to repeat what had happened earlier and so Evan decided to hold his tongue.

Every now and then Zoe would glance worryingly at Connor, who had now completely abandoned his food and was glaring at the floor. She seemed to be looking specifically at the bruise on his cheek. Evan didn't understand why she didn't just ask Connor what had happened if she didn't already appear to know.

"So uh, where were you this morning?" Evan asked Zoe, desperate to end the tense silence.

"Oh I ended up going to Alana's really late last night and so stayed over until this morning," Zoe explained.

Connor glanced up at this.

"What time did you go out?" he asked quietly.

"Um about half ten, just after we had our chat," Zoe mumbled, glancing quickly at Connor's bruise once again.

"Oh, right," Connor murmured, turning to stare blankly into the empty space ahead.

Evan was lost, something was clearly going on here that he didn't know about, he didn't want to pry, but, at the same time, not knowing things made him anxious.

"So uh, what happened to your pretty face then?" Zoe chuckled awkwardly.

Connor shifted uncomfortably before muttering something about bashing it on the bathroom medicine cabinet.

Both Lola and Evan frowned.

"I thought you said you hurt it on your headboard?" Lola inquired gently.

"Connor's cheeks went and he jumped ever so slightly at having been caught out, he truly looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"D-did I?"

"Yes, you did."

"Oh right, well I was tired I can't remember, maybe I hit it twice or something," he scowled.

"Connor-"

"Fucking drop it Lola, I just hit it twice."

Lola looked uncertain, Evan expected the same thoughts that were running through his mind were also running through hers. On the one hand, Connor might be telling the truth, but on the other….

"Can we go please?" Connor had stood up, and looked ready to flee on his own if someone didn't join him shortly.

"Go where?" Evan asked hesitantly.

"I don't fucking know, just somewhere that where my salad doesn't look so fucking miserable!"

"Connor are you okay?" Zoe asked nervously.

Connor ran a hand down his tired face, flinching as the palm of his hand brushed against his sore cheek.

"I-I'm fine, I just want a change of scenery!"

"Oh right, okay then," Zoe muttered, hastily gathering up her stuff and hurrying after Connor who was already halfway across the café. 

Evan and Lola exchanged nervous glances before doing the same.

Evan couldn't help but feel dread start to build in his stomach at the sight of Connor in the driver's seat, surely he wasn't currently stable enough to drive?

Zoe was sat in the back, Lola joined her there, leaving Evan with no other choice than to sit in the passenger seat.

Connor was gripping the steering wheel with so much force that his knuckles were practically white, he made no move to start the car though, in fact upon closer inspection Evan realised the car keys weren't even in the ignition, instead, Connor was grasping them tightly between his palm and the wheel. Evan whimpered as he noticed a small amount of red liquid was leaking from Connor's skin from where he was clutching the keys too tightly.

He slowly reached out and placed a hand on Connor's larger one. The younger boy jumped and turned to face Evan, who noticed how dilated the younger man's pupils were, not from drugs but from what looked a lot like fear.

Oh god, Connor was having a panic attack.

Evan began to notice how laboured Connor's breathing was, it didn't sound like the model was getting any oxygen to his lungs whatsoever. The hand that Evan had touched was no longer on the wheel, and instead was laying bloody in Connor's lap, when Connor looked down at it and took in the blood, the pace of his breathing increased rapidly.

"B-blood," he gasped.

His exclamation seemed to get the attention of Lola and Zoe, who leaned forward to see what was going on.

Connor was staring, transfixed, at his hand which was shaking horribly.

Evan didn't know what to do, sure he'd had countless amounts of panic attacks himself over the years, but that didn't mean he knew how to help someone else through one! Fortunately, Lola seemed to know what to do. She was out of the car in a flash, yanking Connor's door open and pulling the lanky boy out of the car to sit on the ground. 

"Connor," she said calmly, "Connor look at me honey, not at your hand."

Connor shook his head frantically.

"Connor honey it's going to be okay, just look at me sweetie okay, can you do that? Can you look at me?"

Evan watched as Connor slowly looked up at Lola, she smiled at him.

"Well done darling that's brilliant, now I need you to take a deep breath for me, in for four now, come on."

Connor took a shaky breath that definitely didn't last for four seconds, not even two.

Lola was patient though, she told Connor to try again, and then again. Once he had finally managed to take a deep breath in, she got him to hold it for another four seconds, before letting it out. And then again. And then again, until finally, he seemed to be breathing a little more normally.

Evan could feel his own hands shaking just watching Connor, he couldn't understand how Lola managed to stay so calm. She seemed to know what she was doing though, something which unsettled Evan slightly, the only way Lola would know precisely what to do would be if this had happened before, lots of times.

"I-I'm going to-"

Connor didn't get a chance to finish his sentence though, before he was vomiting stomach acid all over himself, the ground and Lola, who was still crouched in front of him.

Zoe let out a small sob, Evan had almost forgotten she was here, he felt bad for her though, he knew how much his own panic attacks upset his mom.

"Zoe dear, could you go and grab some paper towels?" Lola asked gently, not taking her eyes off Connor even for a moment.

The brunette nodded, before hurrying away quickly, looking relieved at having an excuse to exit.

Evan watched her leave, he contemplated going with her, but it felt more important to stay with Connor. Taking a deep breath, he decided to sit down next to his friend, careful to avoid the pile of vomit, even if it was predominantly water and acid. Connor was still shaking, although Evan suspected that was mostly from the force of puking as opposed to anxiety.

"Do you have a first aid kit in your car?" he asked quietly, not expecting Connor to actually nod. Somehow he hadn't imagined Connor would be the type of guy to carry one around, then again Connor wasn't exactly what he had expected _at all_.

He found the kit in the trunk of the car and quickly examined to contents, sighing with relief when he found some disinfectant cream and bandages. He grabbed both, as well as some tape and headed back round to the side of the car.

He was in the midst of bandaging the small wound on Connor's hand when he heard a rustle in the bushes, his head whipped around just in time to see someone with a camera running away.

Connor must have seen the person to because he let out a small groan.

"What's going on?" Evan asked in confusion.

"They filmed everything," Connor whispered, before bursting into tears and falling into Lola's embrace. 

Evan sat there in shock.

Who would do such a thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys your reactions to the last chapter omg, that one has the most comments on it that I've ever had on anything I've written! It's really touching to see how much you all care about Connor.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I promise at some point this story will get less angsty... in the meantime though poor Connor :((


	12. CONNOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter:  
> Discussion of panic attacks  
> Discussion of mental health  
> Vomiting  
> Anxiety  
> Therapy session  
> Medication  
> Use of the word 'pyscho' as an insult  
> Emotional Abuse  
> Thoughts of disordered eating

**[https://www.tumblr.com/search/connor+murphy]**

**@connorsbitch:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **@connormurphyslaw:** I'm sorry but the fact that someone would think to record something like that genuinely makes me feel sick, Connor is blatantly having a panic attack and as someone who suffers from those myself I can't think of anything worse than having one broadcast to the world. There are some seriously fucked up people out there! Sending all my love to Connor right now, I don't care if you guys don't like him or whatever, I'm not saying he's perfect or anything, but literally no one deserves this!

 **@merphylover:** who gives you the fucking right to post a video like that of my sON and post it on the InTERnet WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKKKK

 **@CARLNORlove:** UM who the fuck is this Evan and what is he doing with his hands all over Carl's man??

 **@connorsbitch:** @CARLNORlove is that seriously all you're concerned about? We all just watched Connor have a panic attack so bad he projectile vomited all over his stylist, and all you care about it is the fact that someone who actually cares enough to help him isn't his bf??? What the hell???

 **@carlxconnor:** I fucking hope Carl murders whoever took that video! I know Connor's knight in shining armour will protect him! And also give him lots of hugs and reassurance!

 **@zoeprotectionsquad:** Is Carl actually going to address what has happened? I don't expect Connor to say anything because it's his private life, but Carl is his manager and should really have made a statement by now, right?

 

**[Ohio, 9:55pm]**

Connor remembered one time, in middle school, he got a really bad nosebleed, like there was blood literally everywhere! He got sent home from school and the next day when he came in he found out Jared Kleinman had taken a photo and then showed it to everyone in his grade, telling them all that Connor had cancer. That hadn't been fun.

But this? This was ten times worse.

Because he hadn't _actually had_ cancer.

Carl had gone nuts when he saw the video, fortunately, he seemed more angry at whoever had taken the video than Connor himself though. The manager had been on the phone from the moment Connor had returned home until now, desperately trying to get the video taken down. It was too late for that though, Connor knew that by now it had probably been saved and re-uploaded hundreds, heck maybe even thousands of times. People had seen it, they'd seen him being pulled from the car, they'd seen him have to be calmed down, they'd seen him projectile vomit all over Lola and they'd seen Evan. 

Evan. Evan who was supposed to be his, not some boy on the internet who bandaged Connor's hand. The whole of Tumblr wasn't supposed to have changed their icons to photos of Evan helping him, they weren't supposed to have stalked him on Facebook. Evan was never meant to be a part of that world, a part of Connor's world.

As he lay there listening to Carl shout at someone over the phone he couldn't help but wish his mom had ordered those damn flowers from some other boutique. 

"Connor!"

He let out a small sigh before looking up at Carl who was squeezing his phone so tightly Connor thought he might actually snap it in half.

"What?"

"I've been calling your name for two minutes."

"Oh, right." He twisted back around to look up at the faded stars on his bedroom ceiling.

"Connor I'm going to get this sorted."

"Great."

Carl seemed to be waiting for him to say something else, he glanced over at him.

"What?"

"Baby I-" he hesitated for a moment before continuing, "I'm really sorry about what I said to Lola earlier."

"Sure."

"Seriously, I am."

"Yeah, I know you already said," Connor replied shortly.

"How can I make it up to you?"

"It's not me you need to make things right with Carl."

The older man let out a low chuckle, before sliding on to the bed beside Connor and running a hand up under Connor's shirt.

"Right, it's just I'm not sure Lola would appreciate what I had in mind the same way you would," he purred, nipping at Connor's ear affectionately.

Connor pulled away.

"No."

"What?"

"I'm not in the mood."

Carl sat up and looked down at Connor.

"You're always in the mood?"

"Gee thanks," Connor scoffed.

Carl began to trace his fingers up and down Connor's leg.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh so now you want to know huh?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I had a fucking panic attack that was so bad I threw up! Oh, and on top of that the whole thing got recorded and uploaded to the fucking internet! And all my boyfriend wants to do is fuck me so he can feel better about himself! That's what's wrong, but gee thanks for asking, no further questions."

Carl looked taken aback, he carefully laid down beside Connor, whose lip was now trembling in an effort to stop himself from crying.

"Baby I swear to god I'll find the person who took that video and I'll sue them so hard that they'll owe you one of their internal organs by the end of the court case."

Connor scoffed, Carl began to stroke his hair gently.

"How are you feeling now?"

Connor shrugged awkwardly. "I dunno, kind of shit I guess."

"Do you still feel anxious?"

Connor felt that his silence alone was enough to answer that question.

"Do you want me to sing to you? Like I used to?"

Connor considered it for a moment, but honestly, Carl just being here right now was pissing him off.

"No, no actually I just want to be alone right now. Please leave."

To his surprise, the older man obeyed him, kissing his head before leaving the room to go downstairs, presumably to sleep on the couch. 

Connor finally allowed one of the tears he had been trying so desperately to hold back to trickle down his cheek.

He pulled his phone out, hoping that somehow he might be able to distract himself from everything that was going on.

Unsurprisingly, as soon as the device had switched on it had started to buzz with notifications, most of which were of course about the video, tweets from fans, text messages from concerned ‘friends' and families, and emails with the link to the video itself that had apparently been posted directly to YouTube. 

Connor hesitantly clicked on one of the links, he hadn't actually seen the video for himself yet, he had only watched it over Carl's shoulder and even then he had spent most of the time trying to distract himself with a loose thread on his sweater.

The video started to play, he watched himself storm into the car, only to be pulled from it a few minutes later, sobbing and hyperventilating. His eyes widened as he watched the smaller version of himself puke, all over Lola and himself, covering both of them with acidic vomit.

Connor had felt like he was out of his own body before, he had at times felt like he was hovering over himself, watching what was going on, but this was different. It was bad enough watching heavily edited modelling videos or interviews of himself, but this? Well, this was unbearable. Someone had captured the part of himself that he had tried so hard to conceal and shared it with the whole world.

The next video came on automatically, it was one of those cheesy news ones, where some fake blond talked in a high pitched voice about celebrity gossip, much of which seemed to inevitably revolve around him. The woman was chattering on and on about the video, he could hear her saying his name but didn't really focus on what was being said until he heard two words come out of her mouth.

"Evan Hansen."

He threw his phone at the wall in horror, wincing at the sound of it smashing, he felt sick to the depths of his stomach and had to slam a hand over his mouth as he hurried to the bathroom, only to dry heave over the porcelain toilet bowl.

He could hear someone tapping on the door, presumably to check if he was okay, he put his hands over his ears in an effort to ignore them, wanting nothing more than to vanish into thin air. The knocking didn't stop, it must be Lola or Zoe, Carl would have given up by now. 

Almost without registering what he was doing he lifted a shaky hand and unlocked the door, allowing whoever was on the other side to enter.

He looked up, expecting to find his sister or hair stylist, but instead, his eyes met the wide ones belonging to his mother.

"Oh sweetie," Cynthia whispered, kneeling down beside him and wrapping his cold body in her warm arms. He allowed himself to melt into her, resting his heavy head against her shoulder, ever so slightly afraid that the weight of his problems might crush her small frame. 

"Mom," he croaked. "E-Evan, t-they all know about him."

"I know baby, I know." 

Her hand brushed against his cheek, he felt her fingers linger on the bruise for a moment, he could practically hear the question she wanted to ask and he found himself desperately asking that she would be brave enough to actually ask it, so that he might be bold enough to give an honest answer.

But she didn't ask how it had happened, probably concerned that doing so might set him off.

He closed his eyes and allowed tears to fall, crying for Evan, but also for himself, as he slowly drifted off into a deep sleep, hoping that, when he woke, maybe all of this would have been a bad dream.

 

**[https://www.tumblr.com/search/connor+murphy]**

**@cccmerphy:** Guys the person that helped Connor is called Evan Hansen and his Instagram is the purest thing ever, it is basically just trees and flowers! Wow, I stan! What a man!

 **@conconmurphy:** GUYS I FOUND EVAN'S FACEBOOK!

 **@zozeemurphy:** EVAN HANSEN IS THE PUREST CINNAMON ROLL IN THE WORLD

 **@catsrcoolllll:** Okay no offence, but stalking this Evan guy is actually pretty creepy, I know he is friends with Connor but that doesn't give you all the right to turn him into your new toy, please remember to respect people's privacy!

 

**[Ohio 11:32am]**

"So did you fly out here just for me?"

"Actually no, I have offices both here and in New York."

"Oh right…"

"So why did you phone me?"

"You know why."

"Sometimes it helps to say it out loud."

Connor rolled his eyes.

"Because you're my fucking therapist."

"Yes, but why call me today?"

"You must have seen it," Connor hesitated, "right?"

"Yes, I've seen the video."

"Well that's just fan-fucking-tastic isn't it?"

"Do you have any idea who might have filmed it?"

Connor's knee was bouncing, he brought a hand up to his mouth to chew on his fingernails, ignoring the voice in his head that told him he should probably try to avoid doing so because it annoyed his makeup artists so much.

"I'm doing a big fancy tour," he said suddenly, ignoring the original question.

Fortunately, his therapist was used to him changing the subject on a regular basis.

"Is that something you want to do?" she asked gently.

Connor shrugged in discomfort.

"Carl thinks it's a good idea…"

"That's not what I asked Connor, I asked if you think it's a good idea."

"It's for a mental health charity awareness thing, I'll have to do interviews and shit."

Connor hated interviews, he always managed to fuck them up somehow, either by saying the wrong thing or storming out of them on live television.

"Are you sure you feel comfortable with all of that? Last time I saw you you'd just come out of a depressive episode?"

Connor didn't really know what to say to that, so once again he just shrugged.

"Are you still taking your anti-depressants?" 

"Yes."

"Connor?"

"Seriously I am, I promise."

He was telling the truth, despite everything else he managed to fuck up, taking his meds was one thing he had managed to stay on top of.

"They'll probably be a lot of parties on the uh, on the tour," Connor shifted in his seat. "Do you think maybe we could work on strategies for avoiding alcohol?"

"Of course."

Half an hour later Connor was stood outside the therapist's office, shivering in a thin leather jacket as he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and placed it between his lips. He wasn't a regular smoker, but the jacket was Carl's and the older man always had a pack and lighter on him. Inhaling the smoke made his lungs burn, causing him to cough violently, he quickly discarded the cigarette, tossing it on the ground and putting it out with the toe of his boot. He shifted his weight as he waited for Carl to pick him up, he would have driven himself but Carl had practically begged him, he was obviously still feeling bad. In the end, Connor had relented, making his boyfriend swear to be on time, not wanting to have to wait too long in the cold, just like he was right now.

"Connor? Connor Murphy?"

Fuck, a fan. Not now, please God not right now.

"Hey man, how you doing?"

Connor frowned, fans weren't usually so informal, but then again the short boy walking towards him did look vaguely familiar.

"Jared?"

"Wow who would have thought it? The once infamous Connor Murphy, talking to a humble peasant such as myself!"

Okay, it was definitely Jared.

"Fuck off Kleinman."

"Is that any way to greet an old friend?"

"Oh I'm sorry, I'd forgotten what an adorable heart-warming friendship we had," Connor said dryly.

Jared chuckled, before his face turned somewhat serious. "So uh, are you okay than man?"

"What?" Connor snapped.

"I saw that video of you throwing up your insides, I know you're a model but do you really have to be so public about your methods of staying so skinny." Jared's tone was harmless, but his words cut a knife throw Connor's insecurities.

"What the fuck Kleinman?" he snarled, causing Jared to take a step back and throw his hands up in the air.

"Woah! Cool it hot topic! It was just a joke, no need to go all psycho on me."

Connor just rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore Jared, in the hopes that maybe the other man would just leave.

"So what're you in for?"

"Excuse me?"

"We're stood outside a therapist's office," Jared said slowly as if the answer was obvious.

"Well, you just called me a psycho, isn't that a diagnosis?" Connor retorted coolly.

Jared's eyes widened. "Look, man, I-I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry."

Connor was surprised, the Jared he had known wasn't capable of an apology, but then again the Jared he had known was thirteen years old. Maybe some people really could change.

He didn't get to ponder his thoughts any longer, because the sound of a car horn beeping loudly made him jump so hard he almost fell over, Jared actually had to reach out and steady him.

"You okay there Murphy?"

Connor felt his face go red as he gave a small nod, he was about to turn away when he found himself doing something rather unexpected. He held his smashed phone out to Jared.

"Put your number in."

Jared eyed him suspiciously.

Connor sighed. "Look I don't have many friends okay, just- look never mind if you don't want to-" he went to put the device back in his pocket but at the last minute Jared snatched it of him.

"Can I just put it in under Harry Styles?"

"Fuck off," Connor muttered, taking the phone back when Jared was done and promising to text him later.

"I'll see you around then," he murmured, turning to get into the car.

"See ya!"

Connor couldn't help but smirk at how ridiculous Jared looked, waving over-enthusiastically at him as he clambered into the car. A part of him wanted to snap a picture and send it to Evan, but he didn't have time because as soon as he had clambered into the passenger seat, Carl sped off.

"So how was it, babe?"

"Hmm?"

"Your session? Did you talk about the video?"

Oh right therapy, he'd almost forgotten about that.

"Oh, yeah a bit."

"What else did you talk about? Me?" Carl joked, although Connor could tell there was a note of seriousness in the other man's voice. His boyfriend had always been rather insistent that Connor not talk about him in his therapy sessions, claiming that he would prefer not to be part of that aspect of Connor's life. He argued that their relationship should be private, not available for some shrink to micro analyse.

"Not everything is about you Carl," he muttered, not entertaining the joke, he was still mad about what Carl had said to Lola, and had pretty much been ignoring him since yesterday.

He chose to look out the window, blocking out whatever it was Carl was talking about. He rested his head against the window, letting out a soft sigh as the cool temperature of the glass soothed his head. He liked things that were cold, they had always felt more real somehow than things that were warm. Suddenly something Carl said caught his attention, and he reluctantly pulled away from the window.

"-mention anything about your meds?"

"Um, what?"

"Did she mention that maybe they were having some adverse effects?"

"I honestly have no clue what you're on about."

Carl sighed. "Connor we both know that you've been letting yourself go a bit lately-"

What the fuck?

"-and your anti-depressants list weight gain as a side effect-"

_Do they?_

"Yes Con, they do."

Fuck he must have expressed his concern out loud.

"I'm not saying you should come off them, I just thought Doctor Laza would have mentioned it."

"Well, she didn't."

The pair fell into a tense silence, it seemed that Carl had decided to drop the subject for now, but his words still continued to run through Connor's head.

Had he really gained that much weight? Sure he hadn't been working out lately, and he'd been eating a bunch of junk…

Fuck he must have gained a tonne, especially if he was taking his meds, maybe he should cut back on them?

His life had gone off the rails, the video, his relationship, heck even his friendship with Evan, it was all pulling him off the train tracks, but food and meds, those were two things he could control.

And boy oh boy was he going to control them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo that all happened...
> 
> What do you guys think about Connor and Jared meeting? It was somewhat spontaneous but I wanted to see how they would interact. 
> 
> Also, just so people are aware Connor will be coming off/skipping doses of medication without guidance from a professional, so if that is something you feel you may be triggered by please be careful when reading. There will also be more focus on his eating disorder from this point onward in the story, nothing will be too graphic and I will be sure to always include trigger warnings, if you have any questions about any of these things though or concerns, please feel free to ask.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and thanks to everyone who leaves comments and kudos, they really make my day!


	13. EVAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings:
> 
> Anxiety  
> Mentions of social anxiety  
> Mentions of panic attacks  
> Some inappropriate language  
> Emotional abuse  
> Discussion of physical abuse  
> Brief mentions of disordered eating

**[NEWS HEADLINES]**

_WHO IS EVAN HANSEN?_

_EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT EVAN HANSEN_

_ARE THEY GAY? CONNOR MURPHY AND EVAN HANSEN_

_EVAN HANSEN_

_EVAN HANSEN_

_EVAN HANSEN_

 

**[Twitter.com]**

**@ConnorsBae:** GUYS I FOUND EVAN'S TWITTER ITS @treeevan38

**@Ilovezoemurphy:** @treeevan38 can I just say I love you and you seem like a really great person #dearevanhansen

**@Conormurfyupdates:** #dearevanhansen thanks for helping @connormurphy

**@connormurphie:** ~dearevanhansen WE LOVE YOU CINNAMON ROLL

**@weloveyouharry:** the #dearevanhansen tag is so creepy wth

**@starmores:** #dearevanhansen @treeevan38 do you like star wars? (I love you btw)

 

**[Ohio, 3:45pm]**

No, no, no, no, no. This could not be happening, social anxiety? More like whole world anxiety! His phone kept buzzing with Instagram alerts to show people had followed him, maybe he should put it on private? Or would that seem rude? Connor's wasn't on private, but then again he was a celebrity…

And Evan was…

Well, he was just Evan. A regular guy with a regular job.

It certainly didn't feel that way though when he checked Twitter and started to scroll through an endless stream of mentions. These people, these strangers they…well they loved him. For the first time in his life, he could visibly see that the people around him, or at least users sat behind their laptops, loved him.

There was definitely a major pool of anxiety in his stomach right now but, in addition to that, there was a small part of his brain the revelled in all of this attention, it was like without having to do anything remarkable, he had finally been accepted by the world.

Maybe, well maybe that video hadn't been the worst thing in the world.

Fuck. What was he thinking? Of course, the video was awful! It was of Connor having a fucking panic attack! Merely the thought of something like that happening to Evan almost sent him into cardiac arrest. How could he be so selfish?

He pulled himself out of his self-absorbed thoughts and tried to focus on the sunflowers he was supposed to be arranging. Looking at the bright yellow made him feel even worse, here he was, getting to look at such a happy colour when poor Connor was living out Evan's worst nightmare.

With a sigh he attempted to interweave daisies with the larger flowers, only to be interrupted yet again, this time by Jared.

"Well hello there my fine employee. You'll never guess who I bumped into this morning."

Evan glanced up. "Who?"

"Connor Murphy himself."

Evan very nearly dropped the vase he was holding. "W-what? Where? Is he okay? I mean was he okay? I mean if he was okay when you saw him he might not be now, sometimes people's moods deteriorate throughout the day. Sorry, you probably don't know how he is now, but you must have seen how he was. Right? God, sorry."

Jared just chuckled, he had long grown used to Evan's rambling. "He's fine Hansen, no need to have an aneurysm just yet."

"Where did you, err, whereabouts, um…"

"Where did I see him?"

Evan nodded.

"He was outside my therapist's office."

Evan frowned. "Why was he outside your therapist's office?"

"Well this may come as a surprise to you my flowery friend, but most shrinks have multiple patients."

"Oh right, well how was he then?" Evan asked quietly.

"I already told you, he was fine. A bit on edge I guess, but you know it's Connor Murphy?"

Evan shrugged, he didn't mention that sometimes when it was just the two of them hanging out, Connor was significantly less tense than he was around others.

"Actually he gave me his number," Jared bragged as if Evan didn't also have Connor's number.

"That's great Jared, I'm sure the two of you will be the best of friends."

Evan's mind was doing gymnastics, on the one hand, Evan had been there on the ride home after Connor had his panic attack, he had held Connor whilst the other boy sobbed, and watched as Lola had practically carried him into the house. He had gone straight home after that. But now Jared was saying that Connor was fine, so maybe the whole video thing didn't really matter to Connor? He was so confused. Maybe he should text Connor?

He pulled out his phone, only to have it snatched away by Jared.

"Nope! No phones in the workplace."

Evan looked at Jared in disbelief. "Since when did you care?"

But Jared wasn't paying attention, his own phone had buzzed and he had taken it out to read the notification.

Evan scoffed, "Typical."

"Murphy just invited us over this afternoon, you're free right?"

Evan nodded, even though he was fairly sure Jared had already accepted on his behalf.

"Great, we'll go straight from work then, finish that job up and we can go."

Evan ignored the fact that the shop was actually meant to be open for another hour, Jared was clearly excited to hang out with Connor, although he was trying his hardest not to let it show.

Half an hour later he was in the passenger seat of Jared's car, listening to one of those cheesy pop songs that his friend seemed to enjoy so much. He couldn't help but chuckle at what Connor's reaction would be if he knew Jared listened to Britney Spears.

In between giving directions, Evan listened to Jared talk, something the glasses wearing boy loved to do.

"-anyway so I'm talking to this girl on my way home from my therapy session and I mention that I know Connor Murphy and she totally freaks out! She's asking all these questions and-"

"Jared!"

"What?"

"You don't know him, you can't just tell people you do!" he spluttered.

Jared rolled his eyes, "Whatever, so she asks how I know him and I said through you and then, get this, she knows who you are too!"

"Really?"

"Yep," Jared replied, popping the ‘p'. "She wanted to know all about you!"

Evan turned to look out of the window, he didn't want to think about whatever it was Jared might have told this random stranger about him.

The silence that had fallen upon the car was broken by Evan's ringtone, he fumbled for his phone, picking it up straight away when he recognised his mother's number.

"H-hello?"

"Evan? Honey? Why is your name all over the news?"

Evan fiddled with the bottom of his top. "Um, well you know Connor?"

"Connor? Connor who?"

"Connor Murphy mom, we started hanging out again."

"You did? Oh, Evan honey that's wonderful!"

"Yeah, so basically he had a panic attack and it got filmed and I'm in the video so now everyone knows who I am."

"What? Evan are you okay with that?"

"It's fine mom, I've got to go now, we're at Connors."

"Wait, Evan? We?"

"Yeah, me and Jared, I've got to go now."

"Evan please don't hang up-"

"Bye, mom."

"Ev-"

The voice on the other end of the line cut off.

"Dude why didn't you tell your mom about Murphy?"

"Because it's not a big deal Jared, okay! Let's just go inside." Evan climbed out the car and hurried up to the front door, he knocked loudly, wanting to escape from being alone with Jared as quickly as possible.

It was Cynthia who answered the door.

"Evan?" she exclaimed, her voice filled with surprise.

"Hi Mrs Murphy, um Connor invited me, I mean us," he gestured to Jared, "over."

"Well come in," she smiled. "I think they're all in the living room."

"Thanks," Evan said quickly, dodging past the middle-aged woman and hastily walking down the corridor. Jared followed after him.

Evan hesitated at the door, surveying the room, looking for Connor.

Zoe and Alana were sharing one of the couches, curled up together and focusing on whatever it was that was playing on the TV. Carl was spread out on one of the armchairs, his legs spread over one of the arms, he was focusing intensely on his phone, but every now and then he would glance at the other side of the room. Curious as to what he was looking at, Evan's eyes followed the older man's line of sight over to where Connor was sitting. The lanky man was sat on the floor, leaning against the chair Lola was sitting on.

Evan stood still for a moment, staring at the way Connor's eyes were so focused on what he was reading, his eyebrows were scrunched together.

Jared coughed loudly, disturbing the silence and causing everyone to look up at them, stood in the doorway.

Evan was pretty sure he saw Carl's eyes narrow at the sight of him. "Hi," he said awkwardly.

"Evan!" Connor grinned, standing up and walking over to him, the younger man wrapped his arms around him and squeezed tightly, almost as if he were drowning and his only means of staying afloat was Evan.

Jared coughed awkwardly again, Evan was fairly sure the hug had gone on longer than an average one.

"I didn't know you could read Murphy," Jared teased.

"Yeah, I'll teach you some time if you want?" Connor replied smoothly.

Jared chuckled, before taking a seat on the spare couch, making a point of how easily he could make himself at home.

"And you are?" Carl drawled, looking at Jared with poorly masked disgust.

"Jared," Connor replied before Jared himself could. "I invited him."

Carl turned to look at Connor, he plastered a broad smile on his face. "That's great babe."

"Mm yeah," Connor muttered, not returning the smile. He turned back to face Evan.

"Can we talk?" he asked nervously.

Evan glanced at Jared, who had struck up a conversation with Lola about the shoes she was wearing, it seemed like he would be okay.

"Yeah sure."

Connor grabbed Evan's arm and pulled him from the room and then up the stairs to his bedroom. He closed the door behind them, not even bothering to sit down before he rounded on Evan.

"Are you okay?" he asked urgently.

"Yeah…" Evan replied slowly, searching Connor's eyes for any sign of what was going on.

"The video Hansen! You're fucking everywhere!"

"Oh right."

"I'm so sorry."

"What? Why are you sorry?"

"It's my fault," Connor snapped, kicking a book that was on the floor. "It's all my fucking fault!"

Connor was angry, he looked ready to punch the wall. Evan hesitantly reached out and placed a hand on Connor's arm, in an attempt the calm him. The model flinched.

"None of this is your fault."

"Yes, it is," Connor said, his voice was quiet now, and it sounded a lot like he was holding back tears.

Evan raised a hand to press it against his friend's cheek. Connor practically jumped away from him.

"Connor?"

"I'm sorry. Please don't hit me!"

"W-what? I wasn't going to hit you?"

"Oh, right, yeah of course. Jesus, I'm sorry, I'm such a fucking screw up!" Connor lifted his hands up to tug on his long hair. "Fuck!"

"Connor it's okay, the whole thing with the video. I mean not okay, that's the wrong word, it sucks, but not too much, like I can deal with it," Evan rambled.

Connor breathed out with what sounded like relief. "You're sure?"

Evan nodded, Connor shot him a small smile and sat down on the bed.

Evan glanced at the closed door. "Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you think I was going to hit you?" he asked nervously.

Connor looked up at him uncertainly, "What?" he asked tightly.

"Before, you said please don't hit me," Evan mumbled, dragging one of his feet over the other one nervously.

Connor stayed silent, choosing instead to stare at a spot on the floor.

"Connor…does Carl-"

"No!"

"Connor if he does…"

"It was just one time!"

"That doesn't make it okay!"

"Would you keep your voice down," Connor hissed. "Look it was just the once, and we were both shouting, it just got out of hand okay. You can't tell anyone. Please, Evan?"

Evan hesitated, an image of his dad slapping his mom ran through his head.

"If it happens again…"

"I'll tell you, I promise."

"Okay then."

"You won't tell?"

"N-no."

Connor pulled Evan into a hug for the second time that day, "Thank you, Evan, thank you."

 

**[TwitterDMs]**

**@connormurphyupdates:** Sooo do you think Evan and Connor are secretly a thing?

**@ccmurphystan4life:** OMG WHAT NO CARL MY BABY

**@ccmurphystan4life:** but like irl nah i dont think so

**@connormurphyupdates:** hmmmm I guess we shall have to wait and see…..

**@ccmurphystan4life:** no,,,,nope,,,,CARLNOR 4 evaaaaa

 

**[Ohio, 7:32pm]**

"Connor do you want some pizza?"

"What?"

Evan glanced up from where he was talking to Lola to see Jared offering the takeout box to Connor.

"Pizza Murphy, it's the bread with sauce and cheese on it."

"No thanks," Connor said quietly, rolling his eyes at Jared, before going back to fiddling on his broken phone. He had been quiet ever since they had come downstairs after talking.

Evan watched Jared look at Connor for a moment, noticing the way the other boy's eyes lingered on Connor, before turning around to look at Evan, who quickly pretended he hadn't been staring.

"Evan? Pizza?"

"Oh uh, yeah sure, thanks."

"Are you not hungry?" Carl asked Connor nonchalantly, choosing to get involved in a conversation that Evan was fairly certain had ended.

"No," Connor replied, glaring at his boyfriend until the other man went back to his own food.

Things were definitely rocky between the couple, Connor had barely spoken to Carl all afternoon, and when he did he was always cold, it seemed like Carl was trying to make up for something though, because he kept doing things for his boyfriend. Then, of course, there was what Connor had told him earlier, a part of him desperately wanted to tell someone, but he had only just gotten Connor back as a friend, he didn't want to lose him again by breaking his trust, he's not sure he could survive that. Besides, Connor was tough, if things got out of hand he would break up with Carl, right?

"So Connor have you told your friends the exciting news?"

"No Carl, the privilege is all yours."

"Are you sure?"

Connor didn't respond.

"Well, I guess I'll do it then," Carl smiled, before standing up in the centre of the room and clasping his hands together. "Connor has decided to do the tour!"

"Connor has what?" Lola growled.

"He's going to be embarking on an international modelling tour to help raise awareness of mental health."

It sounded like Carl was promoting the tour to fans, not delivering ‘exciting' news to friends.

"You decided to do it then?" Evan asked softly.

Connor glanced up at him, before looking away to avoid eye contact, "Yeah."

The whole room seemed to have gone quiet, clearly, nobody but Carl seemed to think this was a good idea, not even Jared who had only known Connor for half a day.

"And there's something else!" Carl announced, not allowing his eagerness to be deterred by the negative reaction.

_God, please don't propose._

"We would like Feeling Bloom to help design the flower arrangements for the show."

Evan glanced at Connor who appeared to be very confused, apparently this was news to him too.

"What?" the model asked quietly.

"I figured you might like your friends to accompany you on the tour," Carl explained. "This way they can."

"Have you asked them what they would like?" Connor asked, looking over at Evan.

_No, no he had not!_

"We'd love to! Right, Evan?" Jared jumped in before Evan had a chance to even process what was going on.

"S-sure."

 

**[Twitter.com]**

**@starmores:** #dearevanhansen @treeevan38 do you like star wars? (I love you btw)

**@treeevan38:** @starmores yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year people!
> 
> So I managed to write this chapter without sticking in too much of my love for Star Wars (spolier alert there is going to be more of that in upcoming chapters because I'm projecting my love for Poe Dameron on to Connor....whoops) 
> 
> Any other Star Wars fans out there? Anyone I can discuss The Last Jedi at length with?? (Please feel free to hit me up on Tumblr (@faistylegs) so we can make DEH Star Wars headcanons, or if you have any already please please please send them my way!)
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! I was going to wait to upload it so I can try to make some sort of update schedule but i have no self control sooooo here we are lmao.


	14. CONNOR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter:  
> In depth discussion of mental health and depression  
> Past diagnosis of depression and bpd  
> Eating Disorders  
> Depression  
> Coming of medication  
> Mentions of emotional abuse  
> Withdrawal symptoms
> 
> Please read the end notes for an explanation of the length of this chapter and also my recent lack of updates :)

_"Connor it is my professional opinion that you are suffering from borderline personality disorder and depression."_

Connor had always found the identity of labels somewhat strange, in that they tended to evoke a range of contrasting emotions within him. When he had been diagnosed his primary response was to feel angry, in fact, he had actually punched a wall and broken two fingers, although he didn't like to dwell on that particular emotion. On the other hand, after the initial feelings of rage had surpassed he had begun to feel a small smidge of relief. The idea that there was a reason why he felt the way he did provided him with some comfort, it meant there were other people out there who felt or acted like he did, it meant he wasn't quite as alone in his struggle as he had previously believed.

If a diagnosis had been helpful though, then medication and therapy had been on the cusp of perfection, well at least as perfect as something to do with Connor could be. Whilst he had been informed that there were no specific medications that treated BPD, there were anti-depressants and mood stabilizers available to help manage some of the symptoms, and so, after a long and sometimes difficult search, his doctors had managed to find a fairly decent cocktail of meds that helped him stay in control, whilst simultaneously not turning him into a zombie. Therapy helped too, perhaps even more so than the meds, at least for Connor. It felt good to talk to someone who…well who wasn't directly related to him. Over the years he had made some attempts to explain how he felt to his family, but unfortunately his methods of communication tended to range from screaming to begging. However, with the help of his therapist, he had succeeded in mending some of the bridges he had broken over the years. He had been getting better. 

Two years after being diagnosed he had met Carl. Carl who had helped, well at least for a while. However, even whilst dealing with what may or may not be the healthiest of relationships, Connor had managed to stay afloat. Until suddenly he wasn't. If you have ever felt like something happened all at once but, at the same time like it had been building up your whole life, then you would know how Connor felt. His spouts of depression were longer, and less spread out, his anxiety was no longer something in the back of his head, but instead a constant presence in the pit of his stomach, and honestly, it felt like everything was slipping away.

It had to be the meds though? What else could it be? Connor had decided they were no longer working, not to mention the effect they were having on his weight, and so what was the point in taking them anymore? 

He wasn't stupid though, he knew his anti-depressants helped him to stay in control and so if they were going to go then they would have to be replaced with a new coping mechanism. The solution was obvious, he would control his food intake.

His issues with food had started years ago, a cynical part of him screamed that he was pretty much the prime target for them after all: a model with mental health issues and a plethora of insecurities. He had been on diets in the past, he had gone days without food, but now, now things had to be controlled, by him, and no one else.

Four days without meds.

Four days without food.

Four days without Evan.

Shit was under fucking control.

 

**[Twitter.com]**

**@promlmxticbitck:** @treeevan38 whats your fave food?

 **@treeevan38:** @promlmxticbitck Well it's a little basic I guess, but probably just pizza.

 **@connormurphyupdates:** How long have you known Connor?

 **@cupcakesarebad:** @treeevan38 Who is your favourite Star Wars character(s)?

 **@treeevan38:** Well I love the Ewoks and Yoda, but my new favourite is probably Finn.

 **@connorsbitch:** VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION @treeevan38 DO YOU LOVE HTGAWM AS MUCH AS CONNOR

 **@treeevan38:** @connorsbitch Haha. Yeah, it's great.

 **@Penguin_lover:** @treeevan38 is the actual cutest

 **@CARLNOR4life:** @treeevan38 are you planning to break up my ship???

 **@treeevan38:** @CARLNOR4life No, I don't really like boats but I promise not to destroy your property! :)

 **@gaybabies:** YO @treeevan38 do you fancy @connormurphy like everyone else in the world????

 

**[Ohio, 6:28pm]**

What the fuck was Evan doing? Connor scrolled furiously through Twitter, had his friend been hacked? Why on earth would respond to these sort of questions? Oh, shit, Evan probably felt obligated to answer them, he had anxiety after all and was probably worried that if he didn't then people would get mad at him. He made a mental note to try and remember to talk to his friend about it when he next saw him. 

Which would, of course, be in two days' time, when the tour started. They were going to be flying out to Paris, where the opening show was and then would begin the European section of the tour, before traveling to Australia and then back to the United States to end. There were other models taking part but for some reason, it was predominantly Connor's face that seemed to appear on every last minute piece of advertisement, he didn't even remember when the photos they were using had been taken.

He faintly registered that there was someone at the door, he looked up and saw his mom, who had a carefully arranged smile on her face, the one she plastered on with her makeup in the morning whenever she was worried about Connor. She had been wearing this one ever since he had reluctantly told her about the tour.

"Dinner's ready sweetheart."

Connor begged his stomach not to growl. "I'm not hungry."

"Are you sure darling?" You didn't eat lunch." Damn, he would have to be less obvious.

"I said I'm not fucking hungry mom!"

Cynthia winced but held it together. "Will you at least come downstairs, you've been stowed away in this room all day, it's not good for you…"

Connor sighed, part of him wanted to get up and slam the door in her face, but he managed to contain his anger. "Fine." 

He stood up, ignoring the wave of dizziness that came over. He was about to walk across the room when he hesitated. "Is Carl here?"

He hadn't seen his boyfriend all day but vaguely remembered having spoken to him early that morning, right about when he should have been taking his meds.

Cynthia frowned, "Connor, honey Carl's in New York, he's going to meet you at the airport on Thursday." She bit her lip. "Don't you remember that?"

Connor bit his lip but nodded so as not to worry her further, come to think of it though he couldn't really remember much of today.

"Mom?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Nothing."

"Come downstairs, sweetie."

"Okay."

"Connor is everything alright sweetheart? You look a little pale."

I haven't taken my medication or eaten anything in four days and I think I might have the flu.

"I'm fine, just tired."

Cynthia hesitated and bit her lip, before opening her mouth to say something else.

Connor beat her to it. "I said I'm fucking fine mom!"

"Right, right okay then," Cynthia looked down at the floor. "Just come downstairs, please."

"Okay."

This whole tour was going to completely suck if he didn't start feeling better soon.

_Correction, this whole tour was going to completely suck, no matter what._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so first of all, I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to post this, long story short I haven't been in the best place lately and I had to take some time off. That is also partly why this chapter is a bit short, but that is also because I want the next part of the story to be told from Evan's pov. So hopefully the next chapter will be better.
> 
> I'm honestly not the biggest fan of this chapter but I wanted to have an update on Connor. At the same time though didn't want to fill a whole chapter with things that aren't really important to the plot.
> 
> Anyway, I hope ya'll are doing good and that you enjoyed this chapter more than I do lmao.
> 
> On a lighter note, I have a Pinterest board for this fic and there are different sections for each character and the Connor one has wayyyy more than any of the others...guess that says a lot about me :)) 
> 
> (ALSO I WROTE A STORMPILOT ONE SHOT AND IT IS ON HERE IF YOU WANT TO READ THAT!)


	15. EVAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter:  
> -Alcohol

**[New York, 11:37pm]**

Evan hated parties, but not just in the way your average person disliked something and so declared a profound hatred for it, oh no, he despised parties. Imagine your greatest fear, now imagine being forced into a situation where everyone expects you to smile and have a nice time, despite the said situation being the complete embodiment of said greatest fear. That was what parties were like for Evan. 

Connor had asked him personally to be there though, albeit over text, but there was no way he was going to let his best friend down! Wait, best friend? When had that happened? He may have only been back in contact with the other man for a short while, but in that space of time, the long haired boy had come to be one of the most important people in his life.

So here he was, hiding out in the corner at a going away party that Carl had thrown for everyone going on tour and, despite having been the one to actually invite him, Connor was nowhere to be found. He fiddled awkwardly with the bottom of the uncomfortable dress shirt his mom had insisted he wore, wishing desperately that he was at home with her now, watching a documentary on the couch. 

From across the room he spotted Zoe, she was shoving her way through the crowds as if looking for someone, for a second he thought maybe the person she was searching for might be him, but quickly dismissed the idea. Who would ever _want_ to find him…

However, when she spotted him she anxiously began to make her way towards his corner, she seemed to be shouting something, but he couldn't quite make out what over the blaring music. The only word he could read on her lips was ‘Connor'.

"What?" he shouted when at last she reached him.

"Have you seen Connor?"

He shook his head and tried not to worry at the way her face paled under the flashing lights.

"Me neither," she replied, fighting to be heard over the song being blasted through the speakers.

"Will you help me find him?"

Evan nodded, before finding himself being pulled across the makeshift dance floor and into the kitchen. It didn't take him long to spot Connor. Correction, it didn't take him long to spot Carl, who had his face pressed against Connor's.

Zoe couldn't have been looking for her brother very well he thought sarcastically, before pointing the couple out. Zoe's eyes followed his, the boyfriends were no longer snogging, instead, Connor was perched on the breakfast bar, giggling as he sipped on a brightly coloured drink. 

Evan wasn't sure he had ever seen anyone go as red as Zoe did, she stormed over to her brother, wrenching the cup out of his hand. 

"What the hell Connor?" 

To Evan's surprise, her shout did little to alert the people around them, who continued to go about their business as if there wasn't an argument on the horizon. 

"Fuck you, Zoe," Connor slurred, trying and failing to grab the drink back.

"You're not supposed to drink on your meds you idiot," Zoe snapped, keeping the cocktail out of reach.

"I'm not!"

"Oh, so this is what? Milk?"

Connor's eyebrows furrowed, he looked confused. 

"I-I wasn't-"

His eyes drifted over towards Carl, "I told you I didn't want to…"

Carl looked at him with a perfect combination of innocence and concern, almost too perfect in Evan's opinion, almost rehearsed.

"I tried to stop you, Connor," he explained calmly, not an ounce of guilt present in his voice.

Connor didn't look so sure, but the alcohol seemed to be keeping him from remembering too much.

"Go to bed," Zoe said, her voice resembling a growl.

Connor shakily climbed down from his seat on the table, only to fall into Carl, who quickly wrapped his arms around the taller man.

Evan didn't like the way Carl's hands were touching Connor.

"I can take him to bed!" he blurted out, not realising quite how that sounded.

All the eyes in the room were suddenly directed at him, oh _now_ they pay attention he thought bitterly.

Carl seemed hesitant, but Connor practically lurched himself at Evan, thankfully the younger boy was pretty light so didn't knock him over.

"Come on then," Evan said, trying to sound assured and relaxed, but fairly certain the anxiety was more than detectable in his voice.

Zoe muttered directions to Connor's bedroom and he hastily exited the room, well as quickly as one could when half carrying a model.

After making his way down a thankfully quiet corridor and kicking a half-undressed couple out of the en suite, Evan eventually managed to settle Connor into bed. Unfortunately, it seemed his friend wasn't quite ready to sleep.

"Evan."

"Yes?"

"Aren't you going to sleep with me?"

Evan wasn't sure if his face had gone pale white or bright red.

"W-what?" he stammered, half choking on the word.

"In the bed?"

"O-oh, um, no, unless you want, um wait, what about Carl"

"You're more cuddly," Connor replied softly, reaching a hand out to take Evan's, "Please," he pouted.

Evan sighed, but couldn't resist. He climbed into the bed, trying to keep a safe distance between them, not wanting to take advantage of Connor's intoxication.

It seemed Connor had different ideas though, as soon as Evan was settled, he snuggled up next to him, wrapping an arm around his midsection and tucking his head between the blond's shoulder and head.

Oh great.

Evan knew he was angry at Connor, the younger man knew he wasn't supposed to drink, but how could he stay cross with someone who was so incredibly cute.

With a small amount of reluctance, less than he would care to admit, he drifted off to sleep, listening to the soft sounds of Connor's breathing even out as he did so.

God he was screwed.

 

**[Twitter.com]**

**@ZoeMurphy:** really sucks when the people you care about let you down ☹

**@AlanaBeckOff:** I know it seems hard babe, sometimes people are going through stuff. Text me x

**@ZoeMurphy:** why are you always right?? love you xoxoxoxoxo

 

**[Evan's phone 2:27am]**

**One unread text from Jared the Meme King:** I need to talk to you about Carl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I am so sorry it has taken be so long to update this story! The short explanation is that my mental health was the worst it has ever been for a while and also my final exams are in two weeks. Thank you all for being so patient, I'm doing much better now and after my exams I will be able to really focus on getting this story finished.
> 
> Just to reassure you all I do have all the chapters planned up until the end, so I'm not just going to give up on it! Hope you all enjoyed this, hopefully a new chapter will be up soon, but I can't make any promises until after my exams.
> 
> I love you all, thanks for sticking with this!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! Please leave kudos if you liked it and feel free to leave any feedback/advice in the comments!


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